There are No Secrets to Success

I used to think that the people who were doing better than me in life knew something I didn’t.I used to think that if I could just get my hands on that last little elusive bit of truth, then everything would finally fall into place.

I used to wonder what I was missing that was keeping me from the life I want.

The answer I found wasn’t sexy, glamorous, nor was it really what I wanted to hear. And if you had told me that “There are No Secrets to Success” even 6 months ago, I would have looked at you crosseyed. And the first time I came across the ‘answer’ I didn’t even recognize it - I think I had to read it 4 or 5 times before I finally saw it and understood.

“Before you go out seeking new truths, put into action the truths you already know”

When that statement finally sunk in, I realized that there was a LOT that I knew about personal growth, the law of attraction and relationships that I WASN’T applying in my life. Yet I was still seeking new knowledge - hunting for that elusive Ah-Ha moment that would make everything right.

It took what felt like a big shift in thinking to apply what I already knew vs. looking for what I didn’t know. It meant looking within for my answers instead of self help books and programs (though I will admit I did still work with my coach - only because he always asked such amazing questions.) Since I am addicted to learning, I really didn’t like turning away from my regular resources for growth. But I found that if I was to grow any further, I needed to start looking into the mirror for my answers.

So here’s my take on what the “Secret to Success” really is:

There is no big answer ‘out there’ that will be the key to what you are looking for. The lessons that mean the most are the ones you get from doing what you know you need to do - even in the face of fear, resistance, and self-imposed limits.

Look within. Follow your heart. Trust in your own higher self.

What You Hear is My Responsibility

ARGH! I’ve had a challenging day in which a friend is really no longer a friend.

Though difficult to explain without providing too many details, I wasn’t exactly surprised that this happened. My friend’s self worth was at an all-time low. I had coached him for HOURS to help him live his life more at cause rather than effect. Yet this person consistenly focused on the situation with our group of friends as a personal attack. Rather, we had been encouraging him to raise his standards and be the loving leader we knew he was capable of being.

Now, I know that his choices are his choices.

AND something that keeps coming to mind is one of the tenets I live my life by:

“The meaning of the communication you give is the response it elicits”

Meaning, we are responsible for what we communicate, and are also responsible for how it is understood. It’s not so easy to put into action, say, when having a fight with your spouse (I know that from experience!!).

For example, you say, “I wish you wouldn’t do that” and they say, “You are being condescending”. If in fact you do NOT wish to come off as condescending, then it is up to YOU as the communicator to rephrase the initial sentence until the person you are speaking to actually hears “I wish you wouldn’t do that”. (Acting on your request is a whole different conversation )
Hindsight being 20-20, I can say I would have changed my approach with my friend. I know that “The meaning of the communication you give is the response it elicits” really only works when there is TWO-WAY communication. And when someone simply isn’t willing to listen or engage in open and honest communication, well, it’s kind of hard to get anywhere.

Everything happens for a reason. As our group of friends says goodbye to this man, who, while having his challenges, does indeed have a great heart, I must look back and find my gifts.

The gifts are the learnings - the lessons from the experience that will allow me to find value in it no matter what happened.

My gifts are:

I know I came from a place of love with him in my last communication with him (AND he heard it). I feel great about that.

I know that with time, I can reach out to this person again and perhaps find that growth will allow a reconcilliation.

I know that if this were to happen again, I have more tools and resources to draw upon.

I can continue to create new ways I could have approached the situation - and these new ideas will serve to enhance many of future client relationships and friendships for  years to come.

~

This is what we do when we overcome obstacles. We don’t make them go away. We find value in them and turn them into gifts. I may save someone’s life someday because of what I learned here. Or I may simply become a better coach and friend. Either way, I win.

I Must be Really Weird to Feel Good Most of the Time

I came across a new site yesterday and got lost for hours as I played around with it. It’s called WeFeelFine.org - and it’s a super-addicting ‘game’ that crawls the blogosphere and captures what people are feeling and writing about in real time. And then you can even pull “I feel” quotes from people down to your hometown (or state, gender, age group, or specific feeling) and read about what they are feeling.

I told the search engine to go find what people are feeling in my town yesterday, November 21, 2007. (OK, so I just had to expand it to the state level, something must be amiss because there were hundreds of quotes from my town last night).

Here’s a sample of what I found:

I feel lonely and worried - Galesburg IL

I feel like I am in the ocean and miles and miles away from land - Crest Hill IL

I feel like I am the phantom member of my family - Chicago IL

I feel selfish and broken and bruised and emotionally exhausted - IL

I feel like dancing on the rooftops will you dance with me - Elmwood Park IL

Notice a pattern here? Most of the feelings people are expressing are negative - and I felt rather powerless as I sat here reading about all of this sadness around me, knowing I could help these people if I could only get to them… but I guess that’s just fuel to keep me going for now.

It reminded me so much of when I lived life that way - hating myself, hating my life, wishing I had never been born. Even I found it kind of weird that I couldn’t relate to feeling that way any longer - like it was a different world I lived in, but not.

I get a lot of comments from people wondering how I do all that I do, or have overcome it all. Sometimes I fear that the positive life I live seems unreachable and unrealistic to some of my readers.

I really want you to know that I really do understand where you are. And I really have come a long way. And you really, really can too.

So for this week of Thanksgiving, I’m eternally grateful that I have come this far - and even more grateful that I get the opportunity to share it with you. Thanks for reading and for helping to kick off this site with a bang. Thanks for sharing your own stories and comments with me. And THANKS for being wonderful, inspiring people in your own right.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone

The Biggest Obstacle to Self Improvement

Secondary Gain. At least that’s the “technical” term (well, as technical as it gets, that is!!)

What is Secondary Gain? It’s a short phrase that explains that we do everything we do for a reason - and that the reason behind what we are doing is actually a “good cause”.

And before you even ask, yes, I am speaking specifically about things that we wish we didn’t do!

A drug addict doesn’t use drugs to escape this world. A drug user uses drugs to enter into a world in which she feels good, that she feels important, and one that feels safe and secure.

We push away money not because we don’t want wealth, but because we fear how wealth might change our personal relationships, or because we fear that if we become wealthy we would lose our motivation to do anything in life.

We feel guilty not because we are horrible people, but because it is the status quo, because it enables us to connect with others, and we fear that if we didn’t have guilt, we would never get anything off of our procrastination lists.

I watched a conversation thread in one of my email groups today about good and bad emotions, and what “good” and “bad” means specifically. In fact, emotions are there to serve us no matter what they are. They are our Action Signals - that we are meeting our needs in either empowering or disempowering ways. Negative emotions are just an Action Signal that we need to find a way to meet our needs in more empowering ways.

When I needed transformation, if my coach came at me with “this is what we have to eliminate”, part of me would have resisted the process. It’s because I have done everything for a reason. You can’t remove a disempowering belief, change a negative emotion, or break out of a limiting pattern unless you find the benefits you are receiving from the actions in the first place.

For example, the benefits I got out of having a fear of failure were that I didn’t have to try, I didn’t need to risk rejection, and I got to hold onto a feeling of security.

The need I met by holding onto this fear was one of certainty and comfort. Once I found a healthier and more empowering way to feel certain, I didn’t need the old ways of feeling certain any longer - ones that in the long run would have destroyed my spirit.

Sometimes it’s rather hard to uncover the hidden benefits of our disempowering choices. It takes quite a bit of self-honesty that isn’t exactly flattering. But once the benefits are established, it’s easy (from a coaching perspective, that is) to help people who in the past haven’t wanted to change.

But getting people who don’t want to change into a coaching environment is a WHOLE different story… I’d love to hear your ideas on THAT one!

The Top Ten Things that Block the Law of Attraction

I was first introduced to the Law of Attraction (LOA) before I ever had children, back around 1993-94. I have studied it consistently since then, with little positive results until recently. You would think I would have given up on it in that time, but one thing kept me going - I could at LEAST tell that I was attracting the things I didn’t want - so I could tell that the LOA was working! Sad but true .

I knew I had some deep-seated limiting beliefs that simply wouldn’t go away. But I had the hardest time identifying them and transforming them. When I got my NLP Certification, I blasted out most of them, and then when I reworked my values, and the impact on my ability to create what I want with the Law of Attraction was immediate - as in, within 36 hours I had a check in the mail headed my way.

So what are the things I have found to be the top obstacles I needed to remove in order to use the LOA for good things and not crappy things? Here they are: [Read more]

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