What You Hear is My Responsibility

ARGH! I’ve had a challenging day in which a friend is really no longer a friend.

Though difficult to explain without providing too many details, I wasn’t exactly surprised that this happened. My friend’s self worth was at an all-time low. I had coached him for HOURS to help him live his life more at cause rather than effect. Yet this person consistenly focused on the situation with our group of friends as a personal attack. Rather, we had been encouraging him to raise his standards and be the loving leader we knew he was capable of being.

Now, I know that his choices are his choices.

AND something that keeps coming to mind is one of the tenets I live my life by:

“The meaning of the communication you give is the response it elicits”

Meaning, we are responsible for what we communicate, and are also responsible for how it is understood. It’s not so easy to put into action, say, when having a fight with your spouse (I know that from experience!!).

For example, you say, “I wish you wouldn’t do that” and they say, “You are being condescending”. If in fact you do NOT wish to come off as condescending, then it is up to YOU as the communicator to rephrase the initial sentence until the person you are speaking to actually hears “I wish you wouldn’t do that”. (Acting on your request is a whole different conversation )
Hindsight being 20-20, I can say I would have changed my approach with my friend. I know that “The meaning of the communication you give is the response it elicits” really only works when there is TWO-WAY communication. And when someone simply isn’t willing to listen or engage in open and honest communication, well, it’s kind of hard to get anywhere.

Everything happens for a reason. As our group of friends says goodbye to this man, who, while having his challenges, does indeed have a great heart, I must look back and find my gifts.

The gifts are the learnings - the lessons from the experience that will allow me to find value in it no matter what happened.

My gifts are:

I know I came from a place of love with him in my last communication with him (AND he heard it). I feel great about that.

I know that with time, I can reach out to this person again and perhaps find that growth will allow a reconcilliation.

I know that if this were to happen again, I have more tools and resources to draw upon.

I can continue to create new ways I could have approached the situation - and these new ideas will serve to enhance many of future client relationships and friendships for  years to come.

~

This is what we do when we overcome obstacles. We don’t make them go away. We find value in them and turn them into gifts. I may save someone’s life someday because of what I learned here. Or I may simply become a better coach and friend. Either way, I win.