A Community for the Families of Alcoholics

Well, even though I write about several different topics around here, the amount of people finding this site because their spouse is an alcoholic is simply overwhelming.

I’ve decided to to take more action.

I’m in the process of building a support forum on this site to further help these individuals find the answers they are seeking.

If any of you can point me to some good resources on successful forum building and pre-planning, please let me know!

The Secret Deep Magic of Quantum Physics

The Law of Attraction, though easy to understand, it still quite mysterious indeed.

Did you ever wonder why you were lied to or “attacked” by people you love?

Did you ever wonder why you couldn’t seem to get out of debt?

Could it be because that’s what you were looking for? This link is to an amazingly simple, profound and short video on a frequently reproduced physics experiment - one which clearly lets us know that the simple act of observation is indeed the act of creation.

Wow.

The Psychology of Losing Weight - Listening

Part I of this series

Back in the day when I ate in binges, I was a slave to food. If I was able to control what I put in my mouth, I was somewhat OK. But once I let myself ’slip’ - and I mean, just a tiny bit, the onslaught of food was like an avalance - I simply couldn’t stop eating until my stomach was so distended that another ounce of food would likely have caused internal bleeding.

The tides turned slightly when I went to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting and finally made the admission that I was powerless over food. That took me months to admit - and it was probably the hardest step of all. Yet, with OA participation came the commitment to be ‘abstinent’ from overeating - which certainly was something I needed to do, but at the same time, certainly did not address the feelings of deprivation that accompanied abstinence.

Participating in OA meetings was a critical step on my journey to peace with food. But the approach that got me abstinent didn’t work to keep me abstinent.

Enter Geneen Roth. Geneen wrote an amazing book entitled When Food is Love, and there was a short passage in the book that changed my relationship with food forever.

In this passage, Geneen explains a scenario in which a mother was seeking help in helping her daughter lose weight. The mother was asked what her daughter’s favorite food was, which turned out to be M&Ms. The mother was instructed to fill a pillowcase full of M&Ms and let the child carry that pillowcase with her wherever she went.

Of course, the mother was iniitally horrified, but did it nonetheless. After a few days the mother panicked, because her daughter was eating them all day, every day. A frantic call was made to get some reassurance - and indeed was advised that her daughter was reacting to the years of deprivation. She was told that once her daughter really believed that she could eat whatever she wanted, she would relax and begin eating from stomach hunger.

By the ninth day, the pillowcase stayed in the bedroom. At the end of 5 weeks, she had lost 6 pounds.

This was huge. I totally got it. Immediately, I started eating what I wanted, when I wanted. For a few weeks, I really binged. I even started putting on some more weight. The very important key here is that I did so without guilt (well, less guilt than before…), and that I made it OK for me to gain a little bit of weight as long as I was listening to what my body said I wanted to eat.

It worked.

Over the next 6 months or so, I went from 185 pounds down to 155. I found that when I listened to myself, and really ate what I wanted to eat, I binged less and less.

My body started trusting me too - that when it needed me to pay attention to something, I was there for myself.

The second phase of this process was eating less. This required I actually be “present” when I ate a meal, meaning I was paying attention to my body and how it felt while I was eating. This was extraordinarily difficult at the time, because I had been using food for years for the exact opposite purpose - to escape from myself.

I ate whatever I wanted - but I had to STOP when I became full. This was challenging in and of itself at first, because my stomach was so stretched out from my binges. But gradually, as I became more present and listened to my body, my portions naturally grew smaller and I left more and more food on my plate.

Over the next year and a half (with a pregnancy sandwiched in between), I lost another 20 pounds.

The interesting part was that as I listened to my cravings, I found that I actually craved lighter, healthier foods. I noticed that I felt great when I ate broccoli - so I actually wanted more of it. I felt like crap when I ate a big chocolate chip cookie - so by listening, I found I wanted less of it.

In listening, I also found that my body had a lot more to say to me that just what it wanted it eat.

In the next part of this series, I’ll talk about the real issues behind being overweight and how to find real resolution and be at peace with your body.

The Psychology of Losing Weight

Recently I was interviewed by Jill Koenig, the Goal Guru, for a new audio program she is putting together on health and weight loss. I don’t frequently talk about health and losing weight, because it isn’t really top of mind in my life.

Why? Because although I used to be 50 pounds overweight, I have lost that weight and kept it off for over 10 years. Honestly, I really don’t think about my weight at all anymore. And here’s my dirty little secret: I really don’t even exercise regularly (but don’t get me wrong, I am now a very active person and I hate to sit still).
At one point in my life, this would have seemed absolutely impossible. In fact, my relationship with food was so unhealthy that I felt that if I were to eat all that I really wanted, there wouldn’t be enough food on this planet for me to consume.

So how did I get here?

1. I learned to listen to myself
2. I found out what needs I was meeting my eating too much
3. I broke out of old patterns of behavior
4. I found new ways to meet those needs
5. I made peace with my body
6. My body made peace with me

This post will kick off a series covering the mind processes I went through to overcome all of my eating and weight issues for good. Yes, permanently.

If you want to lose weight permanently too, I would like to invite you to begin a shift in thinking about what it means to have a healthy body at your ideal weight. The weight is not the problem, the weight is a symptom of a problem.

So a diet, done correctly, still only manages the symptoms of being overweight. Until you explore and release the cause, the problem will reappear in your life over and over again.
Here are the first questions I will throw your way:

1. What benefits are you receiving from eating too much?
2. What benefits are you receiving from not exercising?
3. What benefits are you receiving from focusing on your weight instead of the inner pain that you are avoiding?

Now you may be wondering, “Benefits? Wendy, what are you talking about?!”

Everything we do, we do for a reason. So some potential answers could be:

1. I get to feel safe by stuffing my real emotions with food
2. I get to isolate myself with this bahavior and protect myself from getting hurt by others
3. I get to keep my mind occupied on my weight, while avoiding the real issues like my low self-worth, or feeling unlovable

If you came to me as a coach, or even as a friend, with a real desire to lose weight, I would go easy on you. I would be compassionate. You have probably beat yourself up on this subject for years, if not decades. I’m here to tell you that there is a real reason that the weight is there, and it’s actually serving a purpose.

The point is, once we uncover that purpose, we can then work on it, rather than on the weight. And just like with any issue in life, once the cause is gone, the symptom cannot exist.

Next time, we’ll talk about listening to ourselves. Until then, read Craig Harper’s take on the Psychology of Weight-Loss. Craig’s insights are super-valuable and he really practices what he preaches.

When is it Time to Leave an Alcoholic?

Ever since I wrote the Married to an Alcoholic series, I have watched in heartbreaking sadness at the keywords people have used to find this site:

• divorcing an alcoholic husband anger
• when is it time to divorce an alcoholic
• married to an alcoholic when should i leave
• how to leave your alcoholic husband
• how do i get my alcoholic husband out of our house
• married to an alcoholic, why am I so angry

To each and every one of you, first of all, my heart goes out to you. I have been where you are now. I did the Google searches too, seeking a way out of the pain and anguish of my everyday life. And all pitches aside, my one hour free coaching call is available to each and every one of you, even if you have no means to afford a future coaching relationship.

But the truth of the matter is that you have found this site because you already know you can’t continue to live your life the way you are currently living it, with an alcoholic spouse at your side.

The answer is probably one you don’t want to hear, but it is the only one that will work for you:

Yet, keep reading dear friend, because I can indeed help you find your way.

Below are some questions you need to ask yourself. These are not easy questions. And don’t bother taking them on unless you are willing to give yourself honest answers. Set aside some time away from your home environment in order to give these questions your full attention, because you will likely get a bit emotional as you uncover your own truths:

• What is the cost of my leaving this relationship?
• How will this decision affect others?
• What will I leave behind?
• What will I have to let go of?
• What will I have to face within myself once I am gone?
• What is the cost of my staying in this relationship?
• Who else is being hurt by staying in this alcoholic environment?
• What will happen to my self-worth, my health, and my happiness if I continue on this path for another 5 years? Another 10 years? Another 20?
• What am I teaching my children by staying in this relationship?
• What are the benefits of staying in this relationship?
• I’m still here for a reason - what am I getting out of staying here?
• Will these benefits continue for the rest of our lives together, or will they change with time?
• Do these benefits outweigh the costs? Yes or No?
• What are the benefits of leaving this relationship?
• What will I be able to achieve if I end this relationship now?
• How will I be living my life differently in 5 years if I end this relationship now? 10 years? 20?
• Do these benefits outweigh the costs? Yes or No?

Additionally, I would encourage you to take this decision seriously. I don’t know any person who has not ‘threatened to leave’ an alcoholic spouse as a leverage chip to try and get their spouse sober.

The problem is with the word “threaten”. If you say you will leave, yet don’t, you are reinforcing the fact that you think it is OK that they continue to drink.

So once you make your decision, you must also be willing to stick to it. And if you aren’t, then you aren’t in a position to make your ‘half decision’ a bargaining chip.

Remember also, if you decide to stay, then you must also take responsibility for that. You know at this point what staying means.

I can tell you this:

Making the decision to leave my husband was the ONLY THING that could have happened in his life for him to make the decision to get sober. I had to take a huge risk, knowing full well that I could have ended up single, or he could have been lying to me once again. So by sticking to my guns, in the end, I got what I wanted most of all. But I had to be willing to let that all go to raise my standards.

This may or may not be what happens with you. Your spouse may decide to continue to drink. You must be willing to face that reality if you are indeed going to decide to stick to your guns, too.
In the end, I did what I will tell you to do:

Follow your heart.

Only you know what is right for you - and your heart is where you will find that answer. I can say from personal experience that following your heart is not always easy, nor does it feel very good at times.

But in the end, it will always lead you in the right direction. Always. And it will feel good with time, and with continued listening. I can promise you this.

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