When is it Time to Leave an Alcoholic?
January 10, 2007 · Print This Article
Ever since I wrote the Married to an Alcoholic series, I have watched in heartbreaking sadness at the keywords people have used to find this site:
- divorcing an alcoholic husband anger
- when is it time to divorce an alcoholic
- married to an alcoholic when should i leave
- how to leave your alcoholic husband
- how do i get my alcoholic husband out of our house
- married to an alcoholic, why am I so angry
To each and every one of you, first of all, my heart goes out to you. I have been where you are now. I did the Google searches too, seeking a way out of the pain and anguish of my everyday life. And all pitches aside, my one hour free coaching call is available to each and every one of you, even if you have no means to afford a future coaching relationship.
But the truth of the matter is that you have found this site because you already know you can’t continue to live your life the way you are currently living it, with an alcoholic spouse at your side.
The answer is probably one you don’t want to hear, but it is the only one that will work for you:
ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE WHEN IT IS THE RIGHT TIME
TO LEAVE AN ALCOHOLIC SPOUSE.
Yet, keep reading dear friend, because I can indeed help you find your way.
Below are some questions you need to ask yourself. These are not easy questions. And don’t bother taking them on unless you are willing to give yourself honest answers. Set aside some time away from your home environment in order to give these questions your full attention, because you will likely get a bit emotional as you uncover your own truths:
- What is the cost of my leaving this relationship?
- How will this decision affect others?
- What will I leave behind?
- What will I have to let go of?
- What will I have to face within myself once I am gone?
- What is the cost of my staying in this relationship?
- Who else is being hurt by staying in this alcoholic environment?
- What will happen to my self-worth, my health, and my happiness if I continue on this path for another 5 years? Another 10 years? Another 20?
- What am I teaching my children by staying in this relationship?
- What are the benefits of staying in this relationship?
- I’m still here for a reason - what am I getting out of staying here?
- Will these benefits continue for the rest of our lives together, or will they change with time?
- Do these benefits outweigh the costs? Yes or No?
- What are the benefits of leaving this relationship?
- What will I be able to achieve if I end this relationship now?
- How will I be living my life differently in 5 years if I end this relationship now? 10 years? 20?
- Do these benefits outweigh the costs? Yes or No?
Additionally, I would encourage you to take this decision seriously. I don’t know any person who has not ‘threatened to leave’ an alcoholic spouse as a leverage chip to try and get their spouse sober.
The problem is with the word “threaten”. If you say you will leave, yet don’t, you are reinforcing the fact that you think it is OK that they continue to drink.
So once you make your decision, you must also be willing to stick to it. And if you aren’t, then you aren’t in a position to make your ‘half decision’ a bargaining chip.
Remember also, if you decide to stay, then you must also take responsibility for that. You know at this point what staying means.
I can tell you this:
Making the decision to leave my husband was the ONLY THING that could have happened in his life for him to make the decision to get sober. I had to take a huge risk, knowing full well that I could have ended up single, or he could have been lying to me once again. So by sticking to my guns, in the end, I got what I wanted most of all. But I had to be willing to let that all go to raise my standards.
This may or may not be what happens with you. Your spouse may decide to continue to drink. You must be willing to face that reality if you are indeed going to decide to stick to your guns, too.
In the end, I did what I will tell you to do:
Follow your heart.
Only you know what is right for you - and your heart is where you will find that answer. I can say from personal experience that following your heart is not always easy, nor does it feel very good at times.
But in the end, it will always lead you in the right direction. Always. And it will feel good with time, and with continued listening. I can promise you this.
[...] Well, even though I write about several different topics around here, the amount of people finding this site because their spouse is an alcoholic is simply overwhelming. [...]
Your information was the first I found addressing leaving the alcoholic husband. I have been contemplating this move for almost 2 years. I finally made the choice to leave and now he has me backed into a corner. He will not move out and legally I can not force him to move out. I make the house payment so I cant leave so I need to stay until it sells which he will not cooperate with. I am very frustrated!
how can I reconcile with my girlfriend………..I have quit drinking and found a new way to cope with life. Diagnosed bipolar recently I realized I self medicated all those years. One day in the hospital after new medications were given to me I woke up and thought, “this is the way normal people feel” That was over two months ago and I haven’t had a drink or really a thought since. Now I know, a couple of months is nothing. But….I love my girlfriend. I Miss her so much. I know in my heart we will be good together as lonf as I follw the path I have set myself on now.. Why is it always websites telling you how to leave instead of how to reconcile?
Help me.
Dan
I am in the same boat as jackie. I want him out so me and my kids can live happy stress free lives. He will not leave!! He hates me and my daugher who is 15 but loves the boys. He continually call both of us names etc. I had him arrested in Jan and he went to treatment but now he is back drinking! I said I would divorce him if he went back to drinking so I figure I need to follow thru! What do you all think???
Jackie:
Don’t know the details of your situation, but sounds much like mine. Just this week, I had enough after three days of drunken tormenting. For years I have been waiting for the “right time”, but the terror he caused me pushed me far enough to get an order of protection and have the sheriff remove him from the home. He was not physically abusing me, but, I tell you what, I felt it was coming. The look in his eyes at times is very, very threatening. Now I don’t know the details of your situation…if there is reason to grant a temporary order of protection, but in my case he was verbally abusive and threatening. The fact that he is an alcoholic with three DUIs probably helped. At any rate, he has been ordered from the home until our court date in two week, then, hopefully a permanent order will be granted to allow me to stay in my home with my son until the divorce settles who gets what. My husband is so far gone, I don’t think he’ll even fight for the home. Although he would say he wouldn’t leave our home because it was his too (a whole other story), I believe he really only wanted to stay because he wanted to maintain “ownership” of me and his son. Me in particular because I am his co-dependent. I know I have a long, hard road ahead because I can’t seem to rid myself of this feeling of pity for him. I feel like this divorce is going to cut his lifeline. My heart is telling me to take care of him and don’t let him fall, while my mind is telling me, “You have to do this or you’ll never be happy.” I am having a roller-coaster of emotions right now that I keep telling myself will get better. Remember, there are others out there in your shoes. You are NOT alone. Good luck to you.
I’m in a similar situation. After 10 years together, I am seriously considering separating. Like others, I have “threatened” over the years but I am finally at the end of my rope to where I feel it may actually happen this time. My dilema has always been that I love my husband and I know that he loves me. When he is not drinking or using (he also abuses prescription meds), he is great…a wonderful guy who adores me and the kids. Helps with housework, kids, cooks, etc. But about every two months at least, he has goes through this “acting out” as I call it, where he starts really taking too many pills and drinking heavily. For the period he goes through this, he makes my life hell and is a complete slob, and verbally abusive. My kids see this and that really upsets me. (I have to admit though that because of all the anger built up in me over the years, I’m sure I am somewhat verbally abusive back which I know is not right). Then, once it gets to the point where I have “had enough” and tell him that’s it, and he realizes he is about to lose me, then he starts to come out of it, sincerely apologizes, and tries to do it “my way”, unfortunatley, this only lasts about another couple of months usually. He just can’t seem to handle stress and anytime he is in a stressful/uncomfortable situation, he goes on these “binges”. He is a real people-pleaser and if he feels like he is letting someone down, he gets extremely depressed and starts this cycle again. My problem is that, while I am sick of this lifestyle (no money, no stability, etc), I love him and feel bad turning my back on him. I know alcoholism is a disease and he can’t help it but at the same time, others have overcome it and gotten clean and sober, why can’t he? Any advice anyone?
Cindy and Jackie, I feel for you both. I do not know why I am reading this cause….. I already left my husband. Almost one month ago.I think.It has been a rollar coaster ride. We did not have any children together THANK GOD!!! But I have 3 and he has 5. So, long story short… My kids watched and learned all the things a marriage is not supposed to be. We almost made it to our first anniversary. We were together three years. I lost myself. Crazy thing all the signs were there. I let myself get sucked into it anyway. I let him change me. He ended up calling the police dept. and threaten to “hurt himself” well we all know what they do then…anyway now he is sober- about one week today. I am NOT going back!!! Maybe I am reading this to cure my guilt. I am fortunate enough to have friends that allow me and my kids and my dog to stay with them. My kids are happy. Yes he pushed me a couple times, elbowed me in the shoulder once, always “jumped in my face” but never beat me up ya know… I listened and even believed at one time that I was lucky and should be happy cause he wasn’t cheating on me or beating the crap out of me. Man, that is dumb. Now he can’t find me. The peace and quiet is great although, I will have to tell him soon. Just enjoying the break. To all of you…..Remember who you are….Love is not about spending your life miserably..problems ok…but no-one should have to live in bondage of anyone or anything!!!!!
I am in the same boat as all of you however mine is same relationship. It is hard and I blew another great relationship ot try and help him out. What’s worse I let him drive my truck for work sake and he drinks, not always but enought to scare the bugezzus out of me. I have decided to sell the house since I was lucky enough to put it in my name only. Now is trying to sell and see who gets the dogs! It is so hard I completely relate to all of you. Why doesn’t someone help us all out. I agree the stress in unbearable and I do feel isolated since I have no real close friends anymore. Thank you for listening xavier
I left my husband almost a year ago now. He drinks heavily every day. I’m writing for advice….He came to my office during the lunch hour to give me some paperwork. I could tell he had been drinking, but didn’t realize how much until he flew off the handle and started yelling at me in the parking lot. I was in shock as this public display was unlike him in every way. Later that night he called to apologize. He was just getting back to his apartment and called me on his cell. He was slurring his words so badly, I could hardly understand him and HE WAS DRIVING!!! Should I or would you call the police next time I see him driving in this condition? He is going to kill himself or someone else. We just had a drunk driver kill 5 people (3 were babies) last weekend in Las Vegas, a 19 year old kid who was drinking and driving. What would you do?
Catherine -
There’s really no right answer that is the same for every person.
Could you live with your decision if you called the cops on him next time and he was furious with you?
Could you live with your decision if he landed in jail because of your call?
Or, could you live with your decision if he killed someone next time and you could have stopped it?
Follow your heart with the answers - you’ll always be led to the right thing to do at the right time.
Cindy,
I don’t know how I ended up on this web-site but for some reason I did and I couldn’t help writing you a comment. You are so brave and I wish the best for you and your son. I am in such a similar situation even down to the 3 DUI’s! I myself am trying to figure a way out. Well, I commend you!
Hello. Im not married, but the father of my baby is an alcoholic, he is on his third dwi. has not worked for his baby at all, he is verbally and emotionally abusive. I have nothing to lose, Sometimes I try not to have to buy his alcohol but I dont know how to quit it other then just leaving him. And then he will get his alcohol somewhere else. He isnt doing any of the programs. Demanded by the court and its sad to say Im waiting for them to pick him up. So I can go on. I had a Sherriff come out to my house to remove him, He ran into the woods. The cop left, I went to town and he was back in the house. I have 3 other children by another marriage, and they dont want him around either. Cause he drinks and the way he does me, Everytime I take him home, He calls me, or I go over there to see if hes ok. and its always that He needs another bottle. OR something else. I dont know what to do, He came back in my HOME! we are NOT married. DFS made us leave his house because of his drinking. NOW he comes over I have to take him home when things are out of control here, and then he finds his way back. So, Im doing everything short of getting an exparte’ I am just hoping and praying they pick him up on his wants and warrants from his DWI. And I know he sinces that. Any suggestions. The Police dont even do their job. So what Do I do, He is using me and sucking off of me, and then turns around and acts like its LOVE… and we have a baby, he said he wanted a second chance, now he is using the baby to sit over here and get his needs. IM WAITING on the LAW to happen. Where are they??? I felt like I was interigated when they came out. NOT HIM!!!
Dear friends (and we all would be if we had the chance) I am here to tell you that if you are strong enough to stay, you are strong enough to leave.
Don’t waste another minute watching someone you love crash and burn. I stayed for 30 years, left four years ago, for 6 months, during which time my addict husband got sober for all of about 18 months. It was great while it lasted. But when he fell off the wagon he has spiraled down and its worse than before. I am leaving again, this time for good. Get help for yourselves. There are plenty of books and support groups that will help you practice the tools you need to deal with your future. You will be surprised to find out that YOU never needed to heal, you only needed to learn tools to DEAL with things. I promise, there is hope out there. I went on a 12 step program 6 years ago. Learned alot about addiction and how to handle my side of it. Started taking care of myself and became strong enough to leave that first time. I don’t regret coming back, I’m just very sad to see where he is now and I now know its not my job to rescue him anymore. I love him and God loves him and my heart can’t watch him crash and burn. And you already know the story - he will crash and burn eventually. I’m not going down with him this time. Seek help and when you all are ready, you’ll know it. Books are cheap. 12 step programs are life saving. Its not necessary for your addict to be in one for you to be. Help is available. Ask for it.
~ Peace and Blessings to all of us. Addicts and Partners, children and families, we all have the right to be happy. Take care.
LM
Ok well i am not married to a drunk but my father is a drunk… I have 2 kids and living with my parents for the time being b/c me myself just got out a divorce. The past 8mths has been horrible. My father is an alcoholic and my mother is just with him b/c they have tooo many bills for her to do it on her own and for him to do it on his own. Though my mother has falling out of love with him and everytime he walks in the door she feels as though she is going to throw up. I have recently found out that i have a bleeding ulcer from all the stress that has been brought up in this house. My mom has threatened to leave him for 21 years now but never happened. Though he has no place to go and neither does she. We have lost all contacts with our friends b/c of his drinking and the way he treats us. He is abusive in everyway. Just a few weeks ago he popped me so hard on the mouth i had to go to job interviews with a bubbled up lip and they wouldn’t hire me b/c of it. He threatens me and my kids. He has put his hand up to my mom. Though she is very capable of protecting herself. I tell my mom that this is nothing i want to live in and i want to leave though she tells me that she needs me here to keep her from going insane. She believes that if i leave i am leaving her and not the situation. I don’t know what to do to help my mom from this situation. I just really want all of us out but she keeps bringing up the money situation.
Talk about confusing. I married my husband and something in the back of my mind said “i wasnt sure” but i did anyway. I’ve been married 10 yrs and have had lots of people “on my side” or they just like the excitement. His family both mother and father drink. when i met him he had 2 DUI now he did it, on his 3rd and threw out all the alcohol in the house as far as i can see and immediately goes to AA. I’m thinking time to get out now and i tell him to and he insists its his house. He doesnt drink everyday only when sports and social events and get out of control. but of course not anymore. we have lots of animals and for me to leave i make govt clerk salary which is always a fine line. as my life has always been and probably will always be a fine line. i am attractive and well educated too and nothing in my pocket. i wonder if my outcome will be the same—probably living on the edge.
(Please excuse me, inside i’m being a little silly, if something may sound funny–im being serious)
I’ve fallen in love with a man I have been dating almost two years. We have been talking about getting married. But he has a drinking problem. Up till recently he has stayed within my boundaried (I think). He had 2 DUI’s over 7 years ago but I have found out he is still drinking and driving. I’ve told him the ONLY way I would stay with him was if he got help. I’ve giving him some time to make his decision. I’m doing my best to get through this. I know if is the only decision for my and my 16 year old son. All he needs is a drunk in the house for an example. I just want and need to hear I am doing the right thing although I already know it in my heart. Some incouraging words and prayers are welcome.
Well, of course I am in the same boat as all of you. My husband is an alcoholic, and he will say that he is. He was sober seven years, and he has unsuccessfully “tried” to get sober since April of this year. We have three great kids’ that would be devastated if I were to make my husband get out. He is emotionally immature and will make childish comments belittling my going back to school. Although, this is probably just is own insecurity. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt my kids’. I came from a broken home and it was tough. He says that I am abandoning him when I ask him to leave. He is not abusive just a very sad person…he tells me he is sorry for being an alcoholic. I feel terrible, but I don’t want to live like this. Thanks for listening.
Willow! DON’T DO IT! Step back and stay back.
I have been married 13 years. We have a child with special needs. My husband is a drinker. Doesn’t drink at home, but comes home three sheets to the wind at least two to three times a week. He is emotionally and verbally abusive to both myself and our son. He has hit me twice in that 13 years and I did call the police. I wanted to force him into an alcohol abuse/anger management program. He did it as long as it was court-ordered and then resumed drinking. He has always threatened to “disappear” so I would get no support from him. He also says he will never leave the house. We are deeply, deeply in debt due to his spending habits and drinking. The worst thing is, I do still love him but I am at the end of my rope. I don’t know what I would do without his monetary support and especially insurance. I have recently had my own health problems in addition to the cost of our son’s needs. I see no way of setting aside any money to escape, short of not paying the bills. Of course, this would hurt me just as much as him, and make it that much harder to find a place to live (most places do a credit check). We also have pets and our son is a handful. I would probably have the cops at my door and be evicted because of noise when son throws tantrums (he’s 15, bipolar and autistic). On the other hand, even if I were able to have my husband removed, there’s no way I can afford to stay in this house. House couldn’t even be sold for what we owe at this point. Husband started remodeling 7 years ago and it is still half finished. I do work from home but my income is only around $1,200 a month. Husband makes $5,000 to $6,000 a month and we live check to check and often have to take money advances on CC or from home equity to keep the bills current. I just don’t know what to do and feel trapped. I know the stress is killing me and it only aggravates things with our son, but I don’t know how we could possibly survive without his income and benefits, since I have none. I felt blessed to find the job I have now because working outside the home I never lasted more than a few years because of issues with our son. Since husband is primary wage earner, I have always been the one to quit my job and stay home with him until we got him stabilized again. Most former employer referrals not good due to number of phone calls and having to leave work to retrieve son from school when they couldn’t deal with him. Sorry so long, just trying to paint an adequate picture. I not only have a drunk and abusive husband but the added stress of a child with special needs who is very challenging to deal with. Husband has never been involved with our son other than to yell, belittle and sometimes be physically abusive to him. He has never been there to help out. It’s my fault our son is the way he is. He doesn’t feel the need to do anything at home and demands to be waited on since he earns more money.
When ur husband refuses to leave the house, can u still file for a divorce? drinking is the problem, he already had his first DWI, and still drinks. How can I make him leave the house and file a divorce? I have told him to leave, but refuses…
Please need some advise as of what to do. He keeps asking for opportunities, but never changes and I know he never will, everytime he promises he will stop he falls again.
willow, ‘
He will not change!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please dont fool yourself. If you tie yourself to this man you will face years of soul shattering abuse, and your child will lose respect for you. Seriously look at this situation and ask yourself what you would tell your best friend or sister if she were in the same position. Then take your own advise. This is your life and your child just is along for the ride with no other option. It is not fair for you to expose him to this type of relationship. You are to protect your children, please think of him. I am in a similiar situation. Married to a drunk. Divorced him, then was stupid enough to beleive he changed and went back to him. It started all over again and have lost the respect of my oldest child, 15 yr old girl, and son is seeing his father in light no child should have to. Am in the process of leaving. Been squirelling away $ so I can. Am a Full time nursing student, work full time, hard as hell, but my kids are worth it. Please dont put yourself in this situation!!
Dear Willow,
WOW! As I was reading you comment I noticed that you are not yet married to this man. IF there ALREADY a doubt in your mind DON’T ignore it… I hope that you are strong enough just to walk away I know that it is harder than it sounds but PLEASE don’t put you and your son through a situation like that…. it isn’t worth it… you end up loosing more in the end. I left my ex for that same reason… Alcohol leads to many issues in a marriage… and I know that you don’t want to be one of those people as me that it took something real bad to happen to you and your son to leave him. At first, my ex, wasn’t all that bad (at least I thought) but then it got abusive after 8 years!!!! It really ended up damaging my son. He is still afraid of the idea of EVER seeing him again… he was there to watch him hit me while drunk! Please think about it and do what is best for your son and yourself… The best to you and yours!
Lori,
I think you have made the right decision. I was in your exact same situation, but I was not married, thank goodness, but his anger with my children drove me so far away I couldn’t find my way back. It has been a very long and difficult road. I think leaving for the kids is better than any reason at all.
I’m separated from my husband of 13 yrs. We both got sober about 12 yrs ago and things were good. I found out 4 months ago he’s been secretly drinking for 2 yrs. I’ve moved in and out so many times it’s a joke. I know in my heart he’s cheating on me. He promised 2 xs to quit drinking, but of course didn’t follow through. He came home drunk and told me he would not quit drinking and if I didn’t like it get out. I got out and find if I don’t have contact with him, I’m fine. I truly love him, but he truly loves alcohol. I have a good job and my children are married and doing well. I just need to be able to let go and take care of myself. I’m trying to do that now. Its so difficult knowing that he knows what he needs to do to get & stay sober, but is not willing or able to stop drinking. When I met him we were both drunks. He was unemployed, no car, lived with his parents (he was 32 yrs old). He got sober and started making 6 figure salary, drives a Mercedes, country clubs, the works. His income is falling, his car is a mess and the guys at the club are commenting on his drunken behavior…..he fell far already and I’m sure will crash and burn. I love him, but its time to take care of myself and realize there is nothing I can do for him. I wish him well and pray for him - but cannot be a part of the life he has chosen. I also realize I can’t gamble my future on whether or not he’ll quit drinking. I know from personal experience it’s tough to stop even when you want to - so the idea of him stopping while still wanting to drink is ridiculous
yes leave - go - do it now - all of you contemplating - do not waste another day of your precious lives! Life is far too short to live like this, there is a better life out there for you, just go and find it - you deserve a happy life so start planning and doing and trust that it will come because happiness will happen if you allow it to
Why do I feel so embarrassed at being in the same situation as so many of these ladies…I thought It could never happen to me…thought I was too smart. After 15 years, two wonderful children, who I want to have grow up the rest of their childhood with a healthy emotional environment, I have asked him to leave the house. He will not. He has nowhere to go and no money. He’s desperate and thought that spouses were supposed to help “in good or bad times”…how come he never helped in my bad times? Just critisized. How do I get him out? I’ve made mistakes that make me think I will not be able to get what I need in a divorce…but I don’t want to be financially responsible for his bad choices to the detriment of my kids…it’s so hard to figure out where to go to get help - I go from being strong and not putting up with it to completely withering, blithering and emotional basketcase. If I only had a resource out there that told me: you can do this, find this information there, fill out this form…then do this…
It’s hard to be a working mum, paying all the bills, doing all house repairs, balancing a demanding career, give the kids that attention that and still find time without him finding out, to get all the information together….oh well, onward and upward…
Why do I feel so embarrassed at being in the same situation as so many of these ladies…I thought It could never happen to me…thought I was too smart. After 15 years, two wonderful children, who I want to have grow up the rest of their childhood with a healthy emotional environment, I have asked him to leave the house. He will not. He has nowhere to go and no money. He’s desperate and thought that spouses were supposed to help “in good or bad times”…how come he never helped in my bad times? Just critisized. How do I get him out? I’ve made mistakes that make me think I will not be able to get what I need in a divorce…but I don’t want to be financially responsible for his bad choices to the detriment of my kids…it’s so hard to figure out where to go to get help - I go from being strong and not putting up with it to completely withering, blithering and emotional basketcase. If I only had a resource out there that told me: you can do this, find this information there, fill out this form…then do this…
It’s hard to be a working mum, paying all the bills, doing all house repairs, balancing a demanding career, give the kids the attention that they need and still find time without him finding out, to get all the information together….oh well, onward and upward…
I would like to submit the experience from another view. I’, a once again recovering alcoholic. I was married 10 years after being sober for 9 Years. After being married for 2 years I gradually started going to less meetings and then eventually to none. My wife at the time had started to experience the subtle signs of a non drinking alcoholic till it got to the point where I had grown down to a 5 year old. That took 8 years. We divorced. This was because of all the tings you folks describe. we are homw wreckers we have no respect, we abuse mentally and verbally, yet there is hope. when a woman wants to leave their alcoholic husband don’t be afraid to do it. it’s the only way he will get sober if he truely admitted that his life is so screwed up that he as a drunk can;t stand it anymore. good mluck to all I have enjoted reading this page.
I almost cried when reading the posts. I dearly loved my alcoholic husband for 15 years. I defended him made excuses for him did everything I knew to make HIM happy. He was verbally abusive to me, but I overlooked it thinking he had problems and I must support him. He was violent, hitting my car trunk, throwing cans of beer near me, hitting the wall. I thought, well, he has never hit me and says he never would. He started cussing at my son, and that is when I KNEW he had to get out. I got a domestic violence restraining order against him and he was put out of my house. Yet, I still felt like I loved him and saw him after that. We broke up several times after that. He divorced me and even though I tried over and over to get him to talk to me about the divorce, he ignored me. At the time I was devestated. He got the divorce, and I stupidly contacted him and we tried again. After 3 months of seeing him again, I realized I could not take it anymore. He would come over drunk, fall down drunk, yell at me and call me names. He was even worse than when we lived together. He drives drunk as he did when we lived together. last time he was over here he insulted me saying I was no good in bed, even though he has been impotent for several years. Told me he would find someone else, I told him to go ahead and to leave. I FINALLY realized he has nothing at all to offer me. He called me a week ago just to ask how I was doing, ha. Talked to him and he was civil until I told him he could not come over here at a moment’s notice, then he started yelling and putting me down and for once I did the same to him. He hung up the phone. I am so much happier without him. Believe me, most drunks never change. Even if they stop for a while, most will start back drinking. My mother was married to my alcoholic father and she committed sucide slowly until she died. I WILL NOT end up like her. PLEASE leave the alcoholic you deserve better, no matter what it takes. Living with them is truly and will always be a living Hell.
To All of You,
Your stories hit home with all of us. It’s unfortunate that we all are going through this same dillemma but it is refreshing to have each for support.
I have been with an alcoholic for over a year. I knew this was the case going into the relationship but at that time, my partner had been sober for six months. The relationship was all I could have asked for and more but as we all know, the relapse was just around the corner. I have been through some of the best moments and worst moments of my life with my partner. I have threatened to leave, left, and then returned to a momentary perfect world. I am so angry with myself because I have sacrificed so much for this person - I have comprimised my core beliefs and principles all in hopes of making them love me more and making us work. My partner always says I’m the best thing they have ever had and that forever is what they want with me.
I have been hanging on to these statements for some time now. I am completely exhausted and know what I need to do. I need to take the risk of leaving in hopes that they will seek help. But it is sooooo difficult. Any words of wisdom and encouragement would help right now!
The stories are so familar. Married to an alcoholic for 22 years. He broke his neck twice from two car wreaks had to were a halo the second time has become very verbally abusive. I will start a new year I will get my divorce in January. God will see me through this
I have been married to my husband for 36 years. His alcohol abuse is getting worse. He is demeaning to me and has been unfaithful a number of times. I am seriously considering filing for divorce. I am scared as I am almost 60 years old. I have rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia and a colon mass. I only work part time and don’t know how I could take care of myself on my own…but anything would be better than this. His 94 year old father has moved in with us; which has made my husband even more demeaning to me. I constantly back away from him and retreat into my own world. I have dear friends, but find that I’m becoming more and more withdrawn from everything. Any suggestions out there??? I’m at my wits end.
I don’t want to put down my name but I will say that so much of this spoke to me. I just left my husband a week ago. I haven’t been sleeping well since doing so, worrying about him (and feeling guilty because I know I broke his heart when I left…even though I know I shouldn’t be feeling guilty) and wondering if he’s okay. I came home once to our house and he had almost burned it down…passed out on the bed with a house full of smoke. A pot melting on the stove…and an empty vodka bottle in the trash…barely.
I have begged…..threatened…pleaded….done everything I could do and finally, one day, while I was looking through the files for something, I found emails from his ex to her friend and she was talking about him in them….she was leaving him and my god….the words she was writing were soul shattering….because…I thought..MY GOD…this is ME and HIM!!!
That was the defining moment for me. I thought….if I don’t get out now, he’ll destroy me.
It’s been hard because in spite of the fact that I know what I did was right, I care for him. He is such a good man.
But then again, they all are…..deep down inside.
I read something once and it really made an impact to me…and I hope it helps someone else…..it was “All alcoholics are angry people. They are angry at someone, or something, in their lives that they have never really dealt with. All the ‘reasons’ they drink are actually not the reason they drink…….all those ‘reasons’ simply do is trigger the REAL unresolved conflict in their lives and until they deal with that thing…until they let go of that rage against that person or thing that is inside of them…they will always drink”
It’s not about us. It’s about them.
Alcoholics can’t love you because they hate themselves.
You will never be their wife or their girlfriend (or boyfriend if you are a man and you are reading this)…you will be their victim. You will be their prisoner of war.
If you stay, you will be in hell and it will be your choice.
I choose LIFE……
I am 43 and have been married to a alcoholic for 19 years. We have been together since we were both 17. I now know that it was my destiny to marry an alcoholic. Since I grew up with an alcoholic father. My husband promised me that he wouldn’t drink anymore, but continued to drink behind my back. His attitude was that no one is going to tell him what to do! He resented me greatly during that time. He told me that he deliberately withheld affection and love from me because I was trying to control his drinking. During this time I felt so unloved and neglected that I had an affair with a much younger man. He made me feel special and alive. I realized what I was missing. The affair did not last long. I felt guilty and ended it. My husband continues to drink and still withholds affection. I confronted him and told him I am very unhappy being his wife. I confessed to him that during the time he withheld affection/love from me I was unfaithful. I told him that because of his love for alcohol he pushed me into the arms of another man by neglecting my emotional needs. I then told him that I want him to move out. He’s in denial about his drinking. We have three children and I know this will be an adjustment for them, but I cannot continue to live with an alcoholic husband who loves his alcohol more than his wife and kids. I finally see the light and know that he will never change. I realize life is short and I deserve better. I deserve to be happy and to live without all this anger that I am haboring inside. I know the road ahead will not be easy, but I realize that I have to save myself and our children. Please wish me luck and keep me in your prayers.
I wasn’t sure that a search for “leaving an alcoholic” would turn up anything, but I am glad it lead me here, although I would have preferred a step by step instruction manual.
I know it’s time to suck it up and end this even though I dread the hassle and embarassment. This can’t go on. I want off this emotional rollercoaster once and for all. The part that sickens me the most is that I did find the courage to leave him after 18 years together - 9 years ago. And then I missed him so much I spent a year getting him back. DUH! If you look up “slow learner” you’ll see my picture. I had paid him out then, we divorced, the house was mine, and voila, here I am. Now it’s been 27 years and I have to go through it all over again. This time I am going to move out because there is no way to get him to leave willingly. And I would rather make the mortgage payment here than give him hundreds of thousands to just blow. Plus the way he’s going, his liver has to crap out eventually and then the house will be mine. Not that I even give a shit about the house, I just want peace of mind. Tonite it finally got violent. He took a swing at me, hit me in the face and shoved me so hard I flew across the room, but when I got up he was standing at the top of the stairs and I helped him get speed and altitude. Now there is a hole in the drywall, a broken ornament, a toppled plant and dirt all down the stairs to commemorate the moment I finally snapped. I thought maybe I’d killed him, but no, he made it back upstairs to bleed all over the bed. I wish I could say I felt bad seeing him lie at the bottom of the stairs, but I really did not. I was amazed that I actually shoved him as hard as I could down the stairs, it was surreal, but I didn’t feel especially bad about doing it. I always swore if he ever hit me, it would only happen once. I am so thankful there are no children involved and that financially I will be all right. I wish to hell I hadn’t wasted all these years thinking if I just did X, Y, And Z, things would change and he would finally choose me over drinking. God I am so tired, so lonely and so sad.
I pray that each of you finds strength and peace. Life really is too short. Willow, for God’s sake run!! Save yourself. Please. Warning signs are a gift from God, a chance to take another path. Ignore them and live to regret it. As do I.
I’ve been married to an alcoholic for almost 30 years. I left him the first time after three years of marriage but came back. I left - and threatened to leave - at least 20 times over the years since then. We have two adult children - both with drug and alcohol problems. I love my husband but have never had a good time with him. Holidays, vacations, special events, are all ruined by his drinking. At this point in my life, there’s nothing better to be found elsewhere. Being unhappy and angry for 30 years has caused me to have health problems and age badly. If you’re married to an alcoholic, my advise is to get out of the marriage now, because it doesn’t get any better.
oh ladies, i wish i had it in me to just pick up and leave. what i would give for an ounce of courage. we’ve been doing this same old crap for about 7 years. i don’t know how i ended up hating myself so much that i would stay and do this for so long. when did i decide that i didn’t deserve to be happy? we’re not married, we don’t have children together. i can’t even have my daughter. how did i get myself into this? how did i get so sick? i hate myself and everything about me and my life and i just want it to stop. i don’t know why i can’t leave. i’ve been to alanon but they try to teach you how to live with an alcoholic. i want to learn to live without one. please…..someone help me. the person i was or am or could be is dying.
I am in a predicament with my spouse. He has now broken his promise of quitting drinking 3 times! I was all packed and ready to leave him, a couple weeks ago, and I broke down before I could leave because I couldn’t understand how he could just stand by and watch me and our 3 children leave. My mom is trying to convince me to leave him for a year, and that this would be the only thing that will sober him up. He promised me he’d quit, and that it wasn’t as big a deal as I was making it. He has been to 2 AA meetings, and I went to one to support him, and then I went to my first Al-Anon meeting last week. Then tonight when he was calling me on his way home from work, I could tell something wasn’t right. For one, he was late calling, and since he works where there’s a bar, that is a red flag. I called him back to question him about it and he began denying that he drank, and said he was at a convenient store buying a soda and getting gas…BINGO! We didn’t need gas in the van because I drove it last night & saw how much gas there was. So as soon as he pulled up, I walked out to him and got into the car so I could “discuss” the situation w/o the kids hearing. Oh yah…he was drunk! He couldn’t even look at me, and he even got teary eyed and told me he was ashamed of himself. A ploy to get me to feel sorry for him, and forgive him…AGAIN! He is a sneaky one, and will lie at a whim to cover his *ss! He’s in for a rude awakening if he thinks I’m gonna put up with him any longer…I’ve grown intolerant! I am currently a homemaker, but I do have a degree, and WILL put it to use. I knew I was drawn by God to further my education back when I did, because I had a gut instinct I just may need it in the future. What a sad sad situation this has become!
my husband and i have been together or seven years, and he is an alcoholic. We have three beautiful children who i’m afraid are being terribly affected by this. While my husband is not physically abusive, He blames me or the kids or everything that goes wrong, in a loud verbally abusive way. I have been contemplating leaving for years but I have a hard time making decisions. Lately I’ve been looking at apartments to rent and really struggling with this. The problem now is that we live in a very small rural community and my amily lives across the country. So i would be literally alone,also my husbands father who has in the past also told me to leave him has terminal cancer and has only been given a short time to live. I don’t know what to do,I can’t stand to hear my kids tell us to stop fighting anymore I don’t believe that things are going to get better. what do I do??????????????? lost and need help.
As I sit here and read I am in total shock! I divorced (2001) my alcoholic that I married back in 1999. I am so disappointed in myslef that I have allowed myself to stay in the circle of abuse. We do not live together I refused to live with him until he got sober and proved it. If I saw him and he was drunk I would leave or make him leave.
As much as I was proud for setting groud rules and sticking by them I still could not break away totally. I am ashamed of my self. Please hear me when I say IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE AS THEY LOSE CONTROL OF YOU!!!! I hate the fact he is so abusive and evil and yet I go back for more.
I have my own business, I got both of my kids (not his) out of college debt free, I own my home, not in debt and usually I am far from stupid except when it comes to this situation. I read one person say she feels pity for him and that is my down fall. He is so pitifull. But I am working very hard at reminding myself that if I choose to be with him at all then his alcohol problem becomes mine and I REFUSE to go down with him. I even had a rubber band on my wrist eerytime he called I would SNAP it! From experience I would say first don’t be so hard on yourselves. This is not an easy situation anyway you look at it. Alcoholics are charming and like me you may never understand how could they hide that till after you are married. We have to also take it one day at a time. Be kind to ourselves and BE STRONG.
My kids are grown but I have seen the loss of respect for me in their eyes. I have heard it in their words. All of which made me pity him more. So DO IT FOR YOUR OWN SANITY!!! I can tell you the road may be hard but it wont be as hard as how you have lived!!! You are worth having a life of stability and peace! Take it and run. Once you are out of it good things will follow.
I wish all of you the best and please remember be kind to yourselves these are hard shoes to walk in!
I left my alcoholic husband about a month ago. I had tried to leave his so many times before. I am so ashamed of both staying as long as I did and leaving him! The first month was like a vacation. I slept so much better in a quiet peaceful home. Now, I those feelings of pity and concern form him are creeping back in. I am starting to remember the “good times†even though they were very few and far between. I believe being co-dependent is as hard to break as it is for the alcoholic to give up the booze. Starting over at 50 is hard enough. I am so afraid of the unknown. So ashamed of a failed marriage. So embarrassed by my husband outlandish lies that he is telling every one. He has gone so far as to forge an vulgar email that he claims I wrote to him and send it to my parents and children, showing them what a bad person I am. He also has a “myspace†site when he published his lies including pictures of me and my family. I have cut my hair to try and change my appearance. I know his family believes his lies. I am so embarrassed and ashamed. Denying his accusations makes me feel guilty! I feel like I am living in so horror movie or some alternate reality. But, it is REAL! My lawyer tells me in time this will stop. I don’t want to burden my friends and family and I sure don’t want them to see these things. I feel so very alone and broken. What I know is really crazy is that I ever have doubts! Co-Dependent, I know, that is what it is. My life is insane. The good news is, I stopped smoking, drinking and screaming and yelling over a year ago. I have taken the approach that the only thing I can change is myself, so I have been working at that. But, he didn’t change. I did. That that “new me†had to leave. I am glad to have found this site. I don’t know if anyone will actually read this, but it was a relief to just “talk†to some one. Thank You
Hi, I am 35 years old and have been married to an alcoholic for going on 4yrs. The bad thing is that I married him knowing he was an alcoholic. We have a 3 year old, who is at the age where when his dad stays out all night and all day he notices and wonders where he is. I have several reasons why I am ready to leave: 1) I refuse to continue lying to my 3-year old son about his father irresponsible behavior, (2) I don’t feel as if I have nothing to lose, he is not only an alcoholic but a lousy spouse, (no communicaiton, provides no help with househould chores, very dirty, I have to clean after him like I am cleaning after my 3-year old son
(3) I don’t want to be one of those wives who have been married 20 years to such behavior, then I will be wondering my son is like that. He uses drinking as getting back to me (or so he says) when we get into an argument, but I don’t believe him. (Again, immature actions for a 44 year old man). He is very immature and I refuse to continue to be married to someone who is so immature and irresponsible and thinks drinking is his answer to make a marriage work. Today, we had an arguement and I thougth everything was okay because he called me several times today while he was at work. Well unbeknown to me, he had already planned on going drinking with his drinking buddies, (I don’t believe they are his friends, because they only hang together when it involves drinking). Well, he was suppose to get of work at 10:00pm and normally he would get home at 11:00pm. I called him and asked him where he was and he stupidly lied and told me he was at work. I told him he was lying, because I heard people in the background, at that time he said let me call you back and hung up and I never heard from him again. Well, I am actually waiting on an emergency locksmith to come and change the lock to the house, because he is not coming in this house today or tomorrow. I realize that this will only be a short term solution, because I won’t be able to keep him out like this forever, but it gives me a little time to figure out where I can go with my son. I don’t have very much family here, so I am considering a shelter. I don’t know if they will take me, because there is really not any abuse. I am just tired and refuse to be in a marriage where I am absolutely not the slight bit happy just miserable and feeling stuck.
This Is for Catherine . Oh My God yes you 100% need to call the police next time you know that your ex is drinking and driving . he could and will eventualy kill someone . How would you feel if you knew that you could of stopped hime from killing himself or someone else . It is an disease we know this much is true we know that it also will get worse with time we know of the diffrent classes of drunks . I have been with a alcoholic for 12 years I am also a Daughter of a alcoholic . Neither have laid a hand on me or where verbaly abusive well i have been called names by my husband after hes been drinking all night i dont take it to heart its the alcohol . I guess that the point that I am trying to make is that I live in a form of denial over this whole situation . He has lost his license twice in the past three years . His father was hit by a drunk driver he was in a comma for a month and had to regain all ability to walk talk ect…. he has very little memory of his life befor the accident. My husband still choose to get behind the wheel twice even after he watched his dad go through all of that . I have exausted every ounce I have left in myself to make him better . He will never get better till he does it for himself . Alcoholics want to get better when they are going through there guilt faze, they feel sorry for what they have done or said . (mine when he binges will leave on a Friday and will not come home till the moneys gone) mean while Im at home with three kids trying to act nomal for the kids while there are bills and grocerys ect.. that need to be done . When he does find his way home he feels extreme guilt and I know that he means it because hes a great man with a huge heart . He will stay sober TOPS 3 months then the cravings get the best of him . Its reality that this is what my life has become I try not to let him leave the house without me so I can babysit he must walk everywhere because he has no license . I hide all eveidence of the drinking because the family is very concerned and they all take it out on me when they should be confronting them .Its very hard to not trust someone that you love so much . He has not cheated on me I dont trust him to leave to go to the store without thinking that he will have to stop at the bar first . I know that I am rambling there are so many things running through my head about this terrible disease that destroys so many lives in so many diffrent ways . I know that I am not the only one in a situation like this so for the ones like me . Who dont want to leave because the kids and when hes sober hes #1 DAD and there dad is there world . I have sheltered my kids from almost every situation involving there dad drunk , he actualy has enough sense not to come home while the kids are awake , there has been a few times that I knew that things wouldnt turn out nice so i called the police and the would take him to lock up , and i have had him removed from the home by my brother in law and a few other times I would simply leave to have a sleep over at nanna and pappas . You must protect your kids from seeing or hearing anything that they shouldnt it .I know that he will not change there has already been more than a few what I or you would consider rock bottom . Wow once i get going I cant stop , No one I know has a problem like me they all think its easy just leave him ! Its not Its very painfull and its the hardest theing that I will ever do ! Its always in the back of my head (will he change after I leave him or will he get worse ) I know that me and the kids are the only thing at this point that keep him above water . He also has a full time job and he soley supports our family , so Im talking a semi functional drunk . Never let your drunk ex drive going to jail just might help him .
Amber… ditto.
I’ve been with this amazing person for almost a year and a half. I knew shortly after the beginning of the relationship, that he had a drinking problem. He said he had been sober for many years… but he continuously falls of the wagon every couple of months. Usually when everyday stresses get to much for him. I’ve tried to leave before… and came back. a couple of times. Last night, he was over 5 hours late coming home… i went to his studio, and he was passed out drunk. He came home last night at 2:30 am, and has been sleeping every since. I’m tired of being unhappy… i’m tired of the stress. I know what i need to do, it is just so hard. It is so hard to leave someone you love… someone who is obviously in need.
I grew up in an alcoholic house, and do not what that live again. wish me luck…
Wow,
I’m in tears. I’ve been dating and living with an alcoholic for two and half years. Broken promise after broken promise, i have no trust in him anymore. I should have known - before I dated him he had passed out in his car while driving and totalled his car, also had a DUI. Over the course of the relationship he’s continued to drive drunk and be inappropriate when he’s drunk. He says he doesn’t have a drinking problem. The denial is thick and his profession/job is a “wine guy.” Some one help knock me over the head and tell me to run. There are so many fears and insecurities running in my head. Do I want to marry an alcoholic? and have children with this man? I want to leave but as we all know we start to second guess ourselves. Any words of advice would help me.
I have been married to an alcoholic for 34 years. He finally decided to get sober 7 years ago when our first grandchild was almost 2 years old. He managed to carry on in a relatively successful business while an alcoholic; I have a good job so I managed to cover for us when things went awry. Once sober, he maintained a passion for his work and the good, sound decent person in him started to emerge more and more. Almost a year ago he relapsed and has become a stranger in a lot of ways. I believe the trigger was his inability to continue running his business in the manner he was used to. The loneliness is overwhelming and he has run us into a lot of financial debt that he first lied about. He has isolated himself from our grandchildren unless they come to our home… totally lost interest in their hockey games, visiting them, although they do not live very far. I know they miss him too. He has lost all interest in finding work (although he claims he loves to work hard) and hides his drinking. I am really at my wit’s end as unfortunately the man I’ve known has turned into an apparent child who does not know nor care that there are people around him who care. I’ve come to a place where I have gone through the “questions” and somehow leaving may be the only thing to do. It’s hard to think of it as I don’t want to desert him but, as my wise daughter says “you’ve been through this enough and he knows he can always fall back on you”.
I just wanted to say that I understand everyone of you. I have been in a relationship with what I call an alchoholic for 9 years now. we both used to go out, like couples do and have drinks over dinner or go to the bar on saturdays, but… that wasn’t the only time he drank. He would always, and still does, start to drink by 3 o’clock if not a little sooner everyday, not a few times a week, but every single day. we have gotten into so many arguments and it stems from his drinking - the way he would get jealous, the way he would talk down to me, make up arguments, or blow up over the most trivial things ever. I havn’t drank for a good 5 years now. I have begged in the beginning for him to stop or at least cut down. after all it isn’t the “couple of beers” that is the problem, it’s the 18 pack later when he can’t hold his eyes open or he wants to make up senerios in his head of how he thinks people are against him. We had another argument last night, over stupid crap. I have threatened to leave in the past, nothing has changed. I have written letters, pouring my heart out, and nothing changed. I realize that I am to blame for having my 10 year old daughter hear us fight, and to see her get so upset it makes me sooo angry at myself for going on like this for so long. I am at the end of my rope. I need to get away from this situation that I know in my hear will never change. I am just so afraid to do it.
Oh Boy. There are so many of us with exactly the same problems. That makes me sad. I married an alcoholic 27 years ago when I was 21. One of the alcoholics that does all the crazy stuff. Worked infrequently and kept what he made for himself. Had affairs and got VD. Had 3 DUI’s, lost the car one night (we had to drive around for hours trying to find it), brought home a guy from a bar that robbed us. After 4 years of that I changed the locks, packed his stuff and typed up the divorce papers myself. I felt guilty. I worried about him becoming a bum and sleeping in the park. Actually he found another wife who eventually left him and probably another one after that. I want to say to the gals that are dating these guys and thinking about marrying them…DON’T! For those that want to leave…do it if you can. I grieved for several months and then I went on to have a happy life for the next several years. Getting him out of my house was a huge weight off my shoulders. My last comment is don’t think you understand the disease better when you are older and get involved with another alcoholic. That is where I am at right now. The first marriage scared me away from marriage and I never married again. Now I’m 48 years old and have been living with another alcoholic for 6 years. He is unemployed, won’t shower, won’t shave, won’t brush his teeth BUT he is a sweet, gentle person and I feel too guilty to kick him out. I don’t want to retire with a person that is drinking themselves to death and has no income or medical insurance. I’ve worked hard all my life and can’t believe I’ve gotten myself into this situation AGAIN. I practice in my head what I will say to him so he will leave but I can never go through with it. I worry that he will hurt himself or end up on the streets. I am afirefighter and I run medical aids on alcoholics all the time. They end up with distended stomachs, horrible GI bleeds, Hepatitis. It makes me sad that this is what what will become of my boyfriend and I feel guilty that I don’t want to care for him when that time comes. I feel selfish and guilty. I have only tried to discuss his alcoholism with him one time and he said it is a “taboo subject”. So there it is…the giant elephant in the middle of the room that I am supposed to pretend doesn’t exist???? Sorry to be so wordy.
heh.
I’m there living all this too.. .however, its my wife. i dont need to go into gory details but 2 children (and one is adopted) is the end… I cannot have them become alcoholics too.
I left a year ago for about 5 days, and she stopped.. but now we’re back a year later and a 6 pack a nite is not a big deal for her.
So women can be alcoholics too… anyone call if they dont have self control. She has a good 6 figure income but she hates her life. perhaps if she did something to relieve stress besides pounding a 6 pack… she might actually enjoy living.
… each day … is full of life, so go live it.
hi my name is paula..ive been out of an alcoholic relationship for a yr now but i keep going back not moving back but calling him missing him but itss not the alcoholic i miss its my bestfriend i met 8 yrs ago i miss…do they ever come back or am i chasing him for nothing ..he has chated on me several times lost his 2005 1 ton 60.000 dollar truck..his parents bailed him out of losing his house …im going on a dead horsse ithink but how do i get over him how do i go alone im so scared to be alone at 42 it sux to be single i am so broke its pathetic,,,,and now i think my hair is falling out from it pls help
Ahhh, I relate to so many of you…I too am a slow learner. In hindsight, I never recognized my guy as an alcoholic till it was too late…. at that point, I was foolish enough to think I could ‘help’ or fix him. I discovered his problem by observing him…. wondering why he left the house so often… what a wild ride from those innocent days to now….
I can spot an alcoholic now… easily… and have to watch myself from becoming one.
I took part- and eventually having booze in my home was normal where previously for me, it was ONLY a weekend thing.
I’ve been there. I’ve threatened, supported, loved, and prayed. I have realized finally, that it wont get better. I am full of hope- this moment… that an independent life is in my future. I am scared to be alone….
This time, I will do it… and the whole alcohol thing… I pray it will be a lesson learned, and never relived.
To Amber or anyone else putting off the inevitable….
I was with a drinker for almost 3 years, we have a 2 year old son, I have moved away and it hurts but I feel safe and secure, yes he was great when he wasn’t drinking but I could never trust him and had no peace of mind, that is not a solid foundation for a relationship.I thought exactly as you did that with enough time, effort and love that I could as you had said “make it work”…until I realised that if he didn’t feel the same way (and if a person continues to drink and doesn’t get help eventhough their drinking is out of control and hurting their loved ones, then we can conclude that they don’t feel the same way!). A one sided relationship is headed for disaster, you are only settling for this because you don’t think you are worth any more….until you realise you are you won’t leave him and until he admits they he has a problem and actively seeks help for that problem he will never find happiness either. Even if he does do this and gets sorted, you will always be with a “recovering” alcoholic, he could begin again at any time, why live with that…there are plenty of nice, non-alcholic men out there. Open the door to normality, leave him now.
Thank God for this website–thank you Wendy and to all of you for sharing your stories. It saddens me that so many people are in the same boat but at the same time it’s nice to know that I am not alone. My story (the short version)–I’ve lived with an alcoholic my entire life…first my dad, who eventually died of liver cancer at the age of 45 and then my husband whom I moved in with at the age of 18 (knowing he was an alcoholic). It’s been 14 years now on this roller coaster and I, finally, feel the strenght and wisdom to get off! We are on our third separation in the past year and a half. He’s been gone a month now but what’s different about this separation is that I don’t feel the desperation of “needing” him and I don’t feel scared as I have in the past. July 13 was a day of clarity for me, I woke up feeling confident that I can stick to my guns and see this through. I’ve never been alone so for years I’ve put up with his drinking. He is a functional alcoholic (just as my dad was) and he runs a successful business. He has never laid a hand on me. He just loves his beer and feels he has the right to enjoy it.. He’s not someone who can just drink a few. He drinks to get drunk. I’ve been unhappy for so, so long. Because of my fear of being alone, I have sought the attention of another man as if I was looking for a replacement (my girlfriend calls it “bridging”). I’ve never been unfaithful in a sexual sense but more in an emotional sense–seeking attention through interaction and words (totally relating to some of Daisy’s comments here). I no longer speak to this man (he ended up being a loser). My husband has never really met my emotional needs and he’s very good at blaming me for his drinking. We have two boys, ages 13 and 5. I’m ready to go see a lawyer and not only do this for me but do it for them. They’ve witnessed too much turmoil. I’m worried about the oldest one who has turned out quite unruly and disrespectful. My husband has actually contributed to my new found strength because while he’s been gone this last month he has been boozing it up and binging like never before (he’s in Kentucky right now as I speak at Little Sturgis). Some of his friends have even called me because they’re worried about him as well and they’ve told some stupid things he has done lately like trying to prove he could ride his motorcycle on the gravel road at 60mph without a helmet. He ended up wrecking his bike. That’s just one of the many stupid, drunken things he’s done over the years. I’m to the point now that being around when he’s drunk make me sick, from the way he walks to the way he talks, it is so appalling! I’m looking for words of encouragement to keep me on this road of “recovery.” I’m angry at myself for staying so long and I refuse to waste anymore time. I deserve to be happy and my kids deserve to be happy and to have a mother who is emotionally and mentally healthy. I guess the next step is to see a lawyer…
I want to leave but we have a 15 yr old son that does not want to go with me. He knows his father is an alcoholic but he has never lived anywhere else (my son is a Christian and never gives up on anybody because prayer helps everything). We live right next door to my husbands sister and mother. We (my mother-in-law owns this land even though my husband claims it) have 60 acres and we love where we live (I am always reminded that this is not my house and land). Everything is in my mother-in laws name. We have been married for 20 years. Very complicated. My son loves his life here in AL–karate, band at school, girlfriend… I am from Arkansas and have no relatives here. I am not working right now but I have always worked and I have in the past been the one that has made the biggest income. I am going to school to get my Bachelors degree. I have 1 yr left. Right now (again) it is very bad and I want to leave so bad I can hardly stand it. I am taking on-line classes and I could stay with my sister in AR if I could get the courge to leave. I can’t stand to leave my son though, and like I said he told me he did not want to move to AR. Should I make him go with me? Of course he doesn’t want me to go but I have too or either live with this low self esteem and sadness. What should I do? HELP!!! Any advise is useful.
Wow! I too am amazed at everyone in this type of situation. I have been married to my husband for 3 years and with him for 5 years. I always knew he was a drinking, but I didn’t realize he was an alcoholic until much later into our marriage. He is an alcoholic and I also believe he is depressed. He drinks everyday. Most days are okay, but this year has been complete hell! Most of the time he will help clean house and do other things to support me. Once a month or so he will drink a lot and get completely out of control. This past time he snapped and tried to jump out of the car which I was driving. He was mad at me about a comment that I made and wanted to get away from me. My mom and I ended up taking him to hospital, but by the time the doctor saw him, he had sobered up. He has now agreed to try to “wing” himself off. He is now drinking a 6 pack or so a day, but is a complete jerk to me when he is drinking. He also displays similarities to a bipolar person. One minute he is happy and wants to work on our marriage and his drinking. The next he is ready to leave and give up. I will admit, I LOVE him and would like to work on the marriage and help him with drinking, but I am afraid I can’t take the flip flopping that goes on from day to day. I just wish he would be honest and leave or stay. I know I should just make him leave, because if not I am going to go completely crazy. I am always anxious and nervous. I know I could handle it if he left, but I can handle the in between and I don’t know if I am strong enough to just kick him out.
I am only 26 and I want kids, but I just don’t see it possible with a man like this. Please pray for me to have the strength to make changes soon!!
I am sitting here alone , again. I have a binge alcoholic husband. We have been together for 8 1/2 years now and married for just two. We now have a 61/2 month old baby girl..she’s asleep in her crib. I haven’t talked to her father since 7:30 this morning when he left for work. It is now 3:30am. I am just so tired of this being my life. Waiting and worrying that’s all I do anymore. I am only 23 years old and should be living my life, but instead I just worry about his. He is a such a nice man, that’s why I married him, because he truly has a good heart, but he’s has changed. He has always liked to drink and since we met in highschool, I guess I just thought that it was normal. He is getting progressively worse, the fourth of july he drove our boat drunk and almost hit an island. We had two of our friends with us, they haven’t even spoken to us since then. I left him after that, but I came back because he promised that he wouldn’t be drinkning anymore. But here I am less than a month later dealing with the same old stuff. So I found this board and thought I would clear my mind. Thank you for listening.
Is there any ounce of happiness in an alcoholic marriage in this very dark life??
I’m married to my alcoholic husband for 2 years, having known him for 5 years before. Been planning for a family for 1.5 years with no success, but perhaps a blessing in disguise as I’m contemplating leaving him. Logically I should, but I find it so hard emotionally. Also I own most of the property, so I’d want him to leave rather than me leaving, and technically I don’t know how to do it.
I’m attending Al-anon as well as counselling for myself, as I;m confused. I;m fully aware the decision is mine, but everyone else can see I should leave.
Interesting what comes up when you type “how to leave an alcoholic”. My boyfriend who I live with is an alcoholic, so is his ex-wife, his mom, dad, stepmom, and stepdad. I feel like I am going crazy and that my lifeforce is being sucked out of me. My eyes are finally opening after 5 years of being together. I can see the damage that his alcoholism is causing everyone in this family. I can see the destruction of my joy at everything. I have been contemplating leaving since January, but didn’t know exactly why. I went to an al-anon meeting for the first time last week. I am so angry! I have had plenty of abuse growing up and have been very proud of myself that I don’t allow myself to be a victim. Now, I am just infuriated because I feel like a victim in this stupid, insensitive situation! I will figure it out, just venting and completely angry!!!!!!!!!!
Just reading all the sad stories and it all sounded familiar. I’ve been with my children’s father for almost 18 years and since he got out of the Marines20 years ago, I thought it was a phase..
But, every year, 364+ he drinks a tall 4pack and 2 24oz of beer, every, every day. He is the bread winner of our little family, but when there are times he forgets where he is at and he starts to get verbally abusive. Only once I call the police when he almost attack me. Sometimes, when I discipline my kids, he gets up and starts to make a fist and he thinks he is going to fight someone, but I yell at him to tell him, stop it your at home! He’s been a out of the Marines for almost 20 years and he acts like he is still 18 years old and wants to bar fight. I told him to grow up and be a dad. There were times his disciplinary action towards our children was uncall for. So, I started to defend my children, I rather get the first hit and kill him, if I have to, if he ever lay a hand on my children my oldest daughter is 17, then my son who just turn 13, and the 2 little ones are 11 and 9, girl and a boy. I’m afraid one day he’ll hit one of them soon. I really hate him and I want to get out of this so call common law relationship. He threatens me if I ever leave I won’t have any money to support my children. To make matter worse, I have not had sex with him since Feb. and this is Aug. Because, 4 months ago he had a bad rash or sores on his belly and chest and he has an ongoing dandruff of some kind of sores on his scalp. So, I ask him to go to the Doctor and get himself check, but he refuse. I even set up AA meetings for him and me to go to. He hates the fact that I did that and I even prayed for him and he does not believe in God or Jesus Christ. He is well known to the community and he helps a lot of people, but If only they knew. When I mention this behavior of his, he DENIES everything and turns it around on me. I don’t know what to do, I feel stuck and I don’t know who to turn to for help legally. His family is no help, there all alcoholics themselves. For almost a Whole year I have not gone to any of his family functions or to see his mom at the nursery home. I simply drawing away from his relatives and friends. My mom is not around to help me anymore, she died 8 yrs. ago. My kids are traumatized by him, too. I’m lost and How do I tell him I don’t love him any more, even though I said that so many many times and all he says is yeah whatever! Please help me! I need to get out and my children too!!!
I have finally left my abusive alcoholic boyfriend, after 5 years. I am 42 years old and feel my life is over. I have left many times, well actually, he would throw me out in the street in his blind drunken rages, and I would go back to him. I suffered a few black eyes, bruises , a cue stick to the head, a couple of fat lips, and the worst was the emotional abuse. When he was sober, he loved me, when he drank he would spit on me, smack me around and call me a dumb c - - t and he would say, he hated me. It was from one extreme to the next. The next day, he wouldn,t remember what he did. How convenient . He would never admit his abuse. He would tell me. If I wanted to hit you, you would be dead. How could he say he loves me? This time I made the decision to leave him.
What woke me up was, I was cutting myself to numb the pain. I felt worthless, I felt responsible, I felt , I was obligated to help him.
I was hating myself to a point where I was actually punching myself in the face, looking in to the mirror and saying you are nothing, you are a piece of sh - t. I ask myself, “why do you accept his torture’? Why do I feel that I actually deserve it? I would physically hurt myself, thinking If I showed god how sorry I was for making my boyfriend mad , He would somehow make him stop. I was starting to accept the cycle. Well, I would say, you choose to go back and stay, then learn to live with it. But, it wasn’t living. It was a slow dying death. I couldn’t get the picture out of my head, of my mother identifying my beat-up murdered body in the morgue. I finally realized, I didn’t stay because I loved him, it was because, I am addicted to abuse. My ex-husband was a control freak that mentally and emotionally abused me. I dealt with his crap for 13 years. My ex didn’t drink, smoke or take drugs - Go figure. At times, he would push me, but not as bad as what my alcoholic boyfriend use to do to me. I divorced that b- -st - -d 6 years ago, after leaving him a gazillion times and going back.
I finally get my life back. Totally happy for 1 year, without a man in my life. Then what happens, I fall right in to another abusive relationship. What the hell is wrong with me?
It has only been a few days since I left my boyfriend. I have stuck by him through rehab programs, sober houses, etc.. I am so tired now. I feel like I am going through withdrawals. It is just too peaceful, it is just too quiet. I am so anxious. I sit here and shake. I didn’t like or want to be abused. I am simply use to it. It was the norm for me. And above it all, I treated these men like gold - Go figure. They have the 12 step recovery program for alcoholics. What about their victims? We are the collateral damage. Where is our 12 step recovery program? Alcoholics drown their pain and demons. We have to deal with our demons and pain - raw.
I would sure like to hear from someone that can relate to my story. I am starting my life over at 42, living with my mother, who , god bless her, witnessed and stuck by me through all of this. All I got out of this relationship was no job, no money, evictions, repossessed vehicles, traffic tickets (of course everythings in my name) I didn’t cause, no self-esteem, and no desire to love. Love to me is abuse. Another crazy thing is, I am still young, beautiful and I even went to college. No I am not vain. I hated being extremely pretty. It just made these men insecure and extremely jealous, accusing you of being a whore and sleeping with guys on your job. I was waitressing 9 hours a day, because my boyfriend would screw up great jobs because of the drinking. He would wait up for me. As soon as I walked in the door ,he would step on my aching feet as hard as he could so I wouldn’t go back to work- Sick huh? Even college people can be stupid. I haven’t called myself beautiful, ever. This is the first step to getting my sense of self back and maybe to someday learn to trust and love a man again. It will be very hard. I have given everything to these men. My heart, my dignity - they have taken everything you could possibly take from a human being. I pray every night for all the women who are being beat up and beatened down. God help them. Give them the strength to get out and the courage and hope to live again. Thank you for reading my story. God Bless.
My husband is an alcoholic. At this moment I am wondering if he will show-up to work today? Should I care? Probably not. I have decide to leave him, now. He has had 2 DUI’s and as a previous poster noted about her own situation, my husband cannot handle any stressful situations. He turn to drinking as soon as something stressful happens to him or others . . . he is also a pleaser. He has this need to please everyone around him. He is a nice, wonderful, loving father. But, first he is an ALCOHOLIC. So, yes, I am leaving him. He has not hit bottom yet and we wonder when that will be? I feel guilty and sad because I want to help him. He is selfish and likes when we have pity for him, and in the end we just enable him more - we have 2 daughters that love him very much. I can no longer neglect them emotionally. The alcoholic has gotten much attention in the past 17 years and I am done with that! I have no idea what I will do to move out on my own and be able to handle everything myself. But, I have always worried sick about it each and everytime I have wanted to leave. So - I am leaving now, regardless of that. My 4 year old asked me last nigh if her daddy was going to come home or not? My heart broke and I hated myself for allowing someone to hurt her in that way. I have been very unhappy with my husband and have accepted that he already has another wife - the bottle.
Today makes a week that I kicked out my boyfriend. I thought it would make a difference in his decisions about drinking. It did not. I type this and my throat tightens. I’ve been this emotional basket case since he’s been out, but everytime I think about calling him and asking him to come home, I think about every time he lied to my face, lied to me on the phone, lied to me a week ahead, the drunken insults, the pushing, and fights; it never ends. The trust has wittled down to nothing, and is to the point where my feelings are of hate, distrust, anger, disgust, etc. I’ve been supportive and waited, encouraged and babied, made a home, cooked, cleaned, worked a job and had kids for this man in hopes of change. I feel that my body, emotions, and life have been played with. My 5 month old and 5 year old will not know this unhappiness caused by their fathers failiure. Reading everyone’s situations and stories will help me through the next weeks. Thank you! More power to your gut decisions, life is too short to be miserable.
Wow, I had no idea so many other women were going through my situation. It’s so helpful to read all these stories. I found this site when I Googled “divorcing an alcoholic”.
I’m 33 years old and have been with my alcoholic husband for 10 years. Our kids are 7 and 3. I am leaving him in May when my son gets out of school and will be staying with my parents until I can get on my feet. I haven’t worked in 7 years, but I am a licensed hair stylist, so I’ll be able to find work.
We started out as a couple who drank and partied together, but when I got pregnant I was ready to stop all that and be responsible parents, he was not. I quickly realized he couldn’t and didn’t want to stop drinking. He goes through this whole pattern. His drinking gets really heavy and he gets violent. Then the guilt and the “I’m gonna quit drinking”, a week or two without drinking, then “just one” beer from the mini-mart, then the six or twelve pack, then the tiny bottles of Jack Daniels, then the bottles get bigger until we are up to the gallon size of JD. Then he gets drunk and angry and does something really stupid or embarrassing and then the pattern starts again.
He is so controlling and jealous, that I can’t have any friends. The last friend I had he told to “Get the f*** out of our house!” when I had invited her and her young kids over for dinner on a night he was supposed to work late. He came home early and you would have thought I had a man in the house. It was bad. So I don’t even try to have friends.
I am leaving him this time for good because I don’t want to be 40, or 50, or 60 and wish that I had left years earlier. And I will NEVER go back to him, there is no love left at all. I feel like at 33 I can still make a happy, healthy life for myself and my children. I will be giving up the big house and the nice cars, but I’ll be happier in a one bedroom apartment with my kids where we are safe than in this giant house that has become my prison.
Thanks for listening.
I grew up with alcoholic parents and I married an alcoholic man and spent 20 years living with him, trying to make things work out. The alcohol ruined him and it killed the person that I loved and married. He was drinking a quart of vodka a day on top of taking medications for being bipolar & the combo made him totally nuts. He became physically absuive towards me that is when I snapped and had him arrested, got a protection order, and got the hell out of my marriage.
I advise anyone who is considering getting involved with an alcoholic whether or not they are in recovery NOT DO IT. The price is to high, the stakes are to great…it is your life you’re gambling with!
I’m glad I never had children with this man. Now I’m involved with someone who is kind and loving and it seems so weird to be to be treated in a good way. That is so sad!
I just found this site and it really hits home with me. We have been married since 1994, together since 1991. We have raised 6 kids, all turned out great, and have had our ups and downs. He is the most loving, caring, wonderful person I have ever met when he is not drinking. When he drinks (every day) he has lately started becoming mean, picking fights, and while I know its the alcohol, it still hurts. About 6 years ago I left for 4 days - he watched me go - and when I finally came back he was a mess. I know that he loves me, but he is also an addict. he can’t choose between the 2 of us (me or the booze) and I don’t know how to make it happen. He has had 2 DUIs in 12 years, works full time, makes really good money. Our bills are paid. He drinks ALL the time when he isn’t at work, and it seems like that is his only hobby. I really love him dearly, but hate the alcohol and what it does to him. I have begged, pleaded, screamed, threatened, nothing does any good. He’s been to rehab, been to jail, been through all of it, but still says that he is going to drink becuase he is an adult and nobody can make him stop.
How do you make yourself stop taking the easy way out??? I live wondering how he will be when he gets home, hopefully I won’t have done anything to make him mad. The easy thing is to ignore it all, kind of stick my head in the sand, and tell myself that its the alcohol, not the man. The hard part is moving out, starting over (this is marriage #2), and frankly I’m scared. I know I could do it on my own, and I have great family support. But I also know that he will be begging, pleading, crying, and doing everything he can to get me to come back. I just can’t take it any more, and living like this is not good, not at all. Does anybody have any suggestions?? I love this man with all of my heart and soul. I hate his drinking. So how do I separate the 2?? why does life have to be so hard
Hmmm. Where to start? I have been with my husband since I was 17, I knew he drank when we got together. I didn’t know that he has a family history of alcoholism. I think he is what they call a functional alcoholic. He works his job, full time, comes home and does manage to spend time with his 5 kids we have, but has to have beer pretty much every day. We have been together for almost 13 years, our oldest is 11 and the youngest is 2. He has been sober for almost half of the time we have been together. We managed fully to get to that level and then we never succeeded at overcoming the past and changing our emotions fully. We went through a really rough time due to several stressful circumstances and eventually he broke and began looking to alcohol last year. Now a little over a year and a half he has picked up where he left off several years ago but gone even further in other ways, he cheated on me basically, spent too much time at work to get away from my bitching, after we had moved to another state and were far away from friends or family and I felt utterly abandoned by the one I thought I could count on to be there with me. We tried to go to counseling and that didn’t last the first 15 minutes of the session and he walked out. He is so bitter about the past, from his mother when he was growing up to problems we had over the years. We can’t even have a discussion without several issues from our past blasting me in the face. We recently moved back home and are staying with my mother and step-dad so that we can replace things we had to leave and save for a house since we are starting over basically and since I suffer from a bitching syndrome I said too much when I was nagging and he and I had an arguement and he said he wanted to leave so he is currently staying at a hotel. He is supersensitive when it comes to references about himself, and his reaction is to lash out verbally. I hate my kids seeing all that and they love their dad and are always quick to forgive but I really worry about what kind of effect this will have on them later. I think we are disfunctional, but not in ways that you hear most often. I tolerate certain things because I know how good of a person he can be when he is sober but have a hard time even being in the same room with him when he is not. He is rude and always loud and to me just plain obnoxious. The thing I hate the most is he calls me names. He never sees it though, I have thought several times about recording him just to show him later but it makes me sick that is has gotten this bad. I have been telling him that he needs to quit drinking completely and he tells me he won’t because there is no reason to. He says that there is no harm in him coming home from work and having a few. Which wouldn’t be that bad if he didn’t seem like a different person after drinking and didn’t have to do it daily. While drinking he thinks I should do everything, which I don’t so that makes it worse, he is rude about money since I am a stay at home mom(because he thinks that is best) and tells me he works and it is his money. He was never like that in that attitude about money before when he was sober. I know he is not happy, but he seems to think the buzz is a cure all for being tired, needing to relax, being mad, and having fun. I understand I have a big hand in this too since I am easygoing about speaking out about my feelings and don’t have a problem saying things like they are and I really wish I could get a grip with that so my mouth isn’t ruled by my emotions because sometimes it seems like I just fly off the handle. I feel guilty right now because I have already been telling myself that if he didn’t quit drinking I would leave and also told him that as well, and now the kids are really sad and worried because we have been a family that was pretty tight and always did things with the kids and now he has allowed the drinking to change that and with being at a hotel the kids are freaking on me! I wish he could see that his drinking is a problem and if the kids tell him they don’t like it he justifies by saying the same thing he has told me, ” I don’t beat you, I work and get you the things you need and pay the bills and I love you so why can’t I relax and have a good time?” It is hard because when he is semisober or sober, he is helpful, likes to grill meals for us and just hang out, but half the time it seems like it gets ruined because I can tell when the fun is over, he gets an attitude if we don’t do something right, he becomes a martyr after cooking the meal or doing something around the house and becomes unbearable to be around because he starts yelling or wants us to hurry up and get the kids down so we can be alone and gets mad if it don’t work out the way he planned. I don’t know, this probably seems all superficial but it has been going on long enough and if I am not crazy will some one please just let me know it? I just think a six pack a day at least is a little much. Recently he is down to four beers a day and was really upset that I didn’t verbally notice. I plan to take advantage of him being there and hope to get him convinced that either the alcohol goes or we will have to call it quits. That really bothers me because he was my best friend, I could always talk to him about anything, he understood me and we got along and had fun. I just wish he could find where he got lost.
I just want to say I have been with my boyfriend for almost 11 years now. We separated about 3 1/2 years ago and he made all kinds of promises of quitting drinking and being a better person. So we found a lot and built a new house to start a new life. While the house was being built I noticed some behaviours that I thought were odd. Just kept going, thought maybe it was just the stress of building the house. Anyway house is done 3 years now but the drinking has come back in full force. He quit smoking pot, but found another new habit once we got a computer, gambling. Playing poker, drinking and nothing else. I talked to him about the habits and something needed to change. Promises, promises. I admit I am not perfect, I have found myself in financial stress I think maybe trying to make up for what I don’t get in my relationship. It is like, I start to take control over myself and wham, I’m right back in the trap of staying. Kind of like I self destruct myself. I told him I don’t want to be there anymore and I am going to move. His response is that “What My House and My Car aren’t good enough for you anymore…. I can’t take the control issues anymore. I am stressed out to the max. I have tension at work, I have tension driving home know what is there. I’m scared to death. But I have to do it, because I have been making my body sick for years.
I put my husband in jail the day he was going to take our last vehicle, drunk, and buy a shotgun. He had totaled our truck two hours earlier, and was after me for the keys. He had back surgeries, so had an “excuse”. I had to leave with no job, no health insurance, and am 59 years old. I guess when you comtemplate killing someone a hundred different ways, it’s time to leave. I found that many men in my past where also drunks, but
this time I would have to get out of my comfort zone and find someone that I couldn’t caretake. I have found him and though there is no “excitement” when we are together, I know in my hearty that he loves me and will always be there for me. He doesn’t drink,either. Sure I miss the money, the new house,etc. And it’s normal that I wonder sometimes if I made a mistake. I hear that he has joined our church and doesn’t get crazy anymore. It makes me realize that if I hadn’t have left him, he’d have killed me or himself. Now he won’t be doing either.
I’ve 47 and have been married to an alcoholic for a year. I was never around alcohol when I was a child so I was naive and didn’t know the signs until after we were married and living together. Like many of the other posts he’s a sweet man, but will not stop drinking for anything. He’s depressed and taking antidepressants now and I’m begging him to stop drinking. We haven’t even made love since we’ve been married cause he’s never interested. I feel so stupid….I was single for almost 8 years and thought I would know better that to let myself get sucked into something like this. He doesn’t even want to get up and go to work, we are going to lose everything because he’s in denial about his problems. I have tried so much to help him, encourage him, love him without judgment but I don’t know how much more I can do and keep my self respect. My heart breaks for him but I have finally realized that he will never change and I’m not going to live the rest of my life like this. I am also angry with myself for falling in love with him because that makes it so difficult to leave. But that is something I have to do for my own survival.
I found out that drinking ended is previous marriage and sadly it will end this one as well.
I am sitting downstairs reading this as my husband is passed out upstairs in our room. Last September, I brought home separation papers and he has been sober since, until this month when it all began again. So I find myself lying to family and friends and I am at my breaking point. My problem is I have a 3 year old who loves her dad and he loves her and I feel so guilty for taking her away from him. I don’t want my daughter to grow up in this kind of environment and I kept hoping that my husband would realize this. In addition to his drinking addition, he is also a compulsive spender and although he makes great money we are getting daily collection calls. If I leave I will have to go back to work as I am a stay at home mom, and move to California to live with my sister so she could babysit. I truly believe the only good thing that came out of this marriage of 6 years is my daughter (who is my life) and that makes me really sad inside. My parents have been married for 48 years. In the morning when he starts to sober up, I will hear the sorry’s and the REGRETS but I am so angry at him for ruining our life that I feel I don’t have any other choice. So why can’t I just leave him and leave the guilt with him as well? I’m 40 and know there is much more to life than this, at least I hope there is because things really suck right now and I am the positive person in the family…Alchoholism is such a horrible disease and effects so many people. I can relate to all the people writing these letters and hope we all can find a little strength in one another to make the right decisions.
I have just gone through all the messages. The one common factor is that we stay with our lovely people who drink because we ‘love’ them. Love? Need? Yes they can be charming, intelligent, funny, sensitive, caring…but in the end they are still not there. It is a lonely place for all.. The hardest thing of all is the hope that they may come back. Time makes that hope slippery and yet some alcoholics do rally. Will we be the lucky ones? It could be any of us, seeing what you you see them going through would not be something you wish on on anyone…least of all our selves.
Life has to have compassion but also a sense of self preservation…which is why this disease makes it cruel for all concerned.
Everyone keep your heart open and protected.
P.S. Our one year anniversery tomorow. Dropped him off to detox today. Good on us both. And, so many of us have grown up with alcoholics and are drawn to alcoholics. Maybe because they are just as hurt and as bewildered as us?
But having gone through it once, now that it is a choice, refuse to do it again. It is a despicable illness. I once made myself believe in a God….but a feet on the ground person now. Wish I did believe and admire those who do, and, we all have to make our own way.
I left the love of my life 1 month and 1 week ago today. My daughter called 911 to save my life the night he had me trapped inside the house on one of his drunken rages. I left a $250,000 house behind, and started from scratch once again in life. Was it hard? Yes. Was I scared? Yes. Do I miss him? Terribly. I cannot go back to that life though. I have him the choice of the bottle or his family, and he made his choice. I deserve better, and my children deserve to grow up in a loving home knowing that men do not have to drink to get through the day. Things will work out one way or the other. It will be hard, but you will find peace. Go before he drags you down with him.
This is to Chris who is dating an alcoholic. PLEASE RUN as fast as you can. I dated an alcoholic, married him and had 2 kids with him. I found out shortly after my 2nd son turned 1 that he was having an affair. He began the affair around the time my 2nd son was 2 months old. It began with a co-worked who gave him the attention he needed. That was in 2005, and now in 2008, I’m still not out of the relationship completely. We began divorce, never finished it, and moved out of state. He kept the friend on the side and lied from time to time. Go figure. He thinks I was too much into the boys, but I think the alcohol is to blame for most of our problems. I can’t not stress enough to you…….RUN FAST. Do not marry or have children with this man. You will regret it later in life. Trust me. I feel so guilty for picking a man that is not a very good role model to my sons. I have been through the ringer and I’m still hoping he will get sober!! They use and abuse you and you don’t even know it until it’s too late. RUN!
well here goes, i have done the same thing been with one for 20 years , lived with him for about 12 years .Dont understand we separetded every year and this is 2008 we have split up again caues his drinking .But he says i bitch to much so what is the real problem.stop b,,,, ing or drinking. i love him but soooooooooo tired of the drinking . I KNOW NOW all that bitching was a waste of time cause this last year i DID NOT SAY anything about his drihking and has got worse . NOW he see i REALLY mean it this time.but i still want him but REFUSE this time to live with the drinking hope he wil stop wish me good luck I REALLLLLLLLLY INEED IT AM I WASTED MY TIME PLZ REPLY
thankgod ive found someone to talk to, another day crying over wether i should laeve my partner of 15yrs. he is a binge drinker, i feel like i cant go on anymore but have 2 lovely girls to thimk about. will there ever be an end? anyone
hi , i live with a alcholic ive been with him for4yrs , he is slowly burning me out, i stay with him as its my house, and he keeps saying i decorated this house i help pay for this and that, and its hard finding the courage to tell him to go , he has hit me twice, and always threatens to , but i now say doit again and your gone , so i think thats what stops him , he is 45, and acts like a child ,we have no life except i stay at home with him at wkemds and he drinks all day , i feel like i cant have friends ats its embarassing when he is drunk, so no on ecomes to the house, i have a good jobb, but i have to hide my emotions and say its all ok , when im shattered inside, im sooo low and down i dont know what to do , i was going to go to alanon but the day i can go is a saturday and he is at home and would aslk where i am going , and i cant face telling him so i just put up with it , im on this site as i dont know what to do anymore, i make excuses for him, but as no one comes to are