Free Accountability Partner for You!

Need an accountability partner? Well, how about a nag partner? Well, I can’t help you personally, but HassleMe sure can!

Not eating enough fruit? Forgot to feed the fish again? Need to read more self help books?!

HassleMe says, “Tell us what to hassle you about, and we’ll nag you via email at semi-unpredictable intervals. “

Who needs a coach when you can get nagged for free? *wink*

What You Hear is My Responsibility

ARGH! I’ve had a challenging day in which a friend is really no longer a friend.

Though difficult to explain without providing too many details, I wasn’t exactly surprised that this happened. My friend’s self worth was at an all-time low. I had coached him for HOURS to help him live his life more at cause rather than effect. Yet this person consistenly focused on the situation with our group of friends as a personal attack. Rather, we had been encouraging him to raise his standards and be the loving leader we knew he was capable of being.

Now, I know that his choices are his choices.

AND something that keeps coming to mind is one of the tenets I live my life by:

“The meaning of the communication you give is the response it elicits”

Meaning, we are responsible for what we communicate, and are also responsible for how it is understood. It’s not so easy to put into action, say, when having a fight with your spouse (I know that from experience!!).

For example, you say, “I wish you wouldn’t do that” and they say, “You are being condescending”. If in fact you do NOT wish to come off as condescending, then it is up to YOU as the communicator to rephrase the initial sentence until the person you are speaking to actually hears “I wish you wouldn’t do that”. (Acting on your request is a whole different conversation )
Hindsight being 20-20, I can say I would have changed my approach with my friend. I know that “The meaning of the communication you give is the response it elicits” really only works when there is TWO-WAY communication. And when someone simply isn’t willing to listen or engage in open and honest communication, well, it’s kind of hard to get anywhere.

Everything happens for a reason. As our group of friends says goodbye to this man, who, while having his challenges, does indeed have a great heart, I must look back and find my gifts.

The gifts are the learnings - the lessons from the experience that will allow me to find value in it no matter what happened.

My gifts are:

I know I came from a place of love with him in my last communication with him (AND he heard it). I feel great about that.

I know that with time, I can reach out to this person again and perhaps find that growth will allow a reconcilliation.

I know that if this were to happen again, I have more tools and resources to draw upon.

I can continue to create new ways I could have approached the situation - and these new ideas will serve to enhance many of future client relationships and friendships for  years to come.

~

This is what we do when we overcome obstacles. We don’t make them go away. We find value in them and turn them into gifts. I may save someone’s life someday because of what I learned here. Or I may simply become a better coach and friend. Either way, I win.

The Biggest Obstacle to Self Improvement

Secondary Gain. At least that’s the “technical” term (well, as technical as it gets, that is!!)

What is Secondary Gain? It’s a short phrase that explains that we do everything we do for a reason - and that the reason behind what we are doing is actually a “good cause”.

And before you even ask, yes, I am speaking specifically about things that we wish we didn’t do!

A drug addict doesn’t use drugs to escape this world. A drug user uses drugs to enter into a world in which she feels good, that she feels important, and one that feels safe and secure.

We push away money not because we don’t want wealth, but because we fear how wealth might change our personal relationships, or because we fear that if we become wealthy we would lose our motivation to do anything in life.

We feel guilty not because we are horrible people, but because it is the status quo, because it enables us to connect with others, and we fear that if we didn’t have guilt, we would never get anything off of our procrastination lists.

I watched a conversation thread in one of my email groups today about good and bad emotions, and what “good” and “bad” means specifically. In fact, emotions are there to serve us no matter what they are. They are our Action Signals - that we are meeting our needs in either empowering or disempowering ways. Negative emotions are just an Action Signal that we need to find a way to meet our needs in more empowering ways.

When I needed transformation, if my coach came at me with “this is what we have to eliminate”, part of me would have resisted the process. It’s because I have done everything for a reason. You can’t remove a disempowering belief, change a negative emotion, or break out of a limiting pattern unless you find the benefits you are receiving from the actions in the first place.

For example, the benefits I got out of having a fear of failure were that I didn’t have to try, I didn’t need to risk rejection, and I got to hold onto a feeling of security.

The need I met by holding onto this fear was one of certainty and comfort. Once I found a healthier and more empowering way to feel certain, I didn’t need the old ways of feeling certain any longer - ones that in the long run would have destroyed my spirit.

Sometimes it’s rather hard to uncover the hidden benefits of our disempowering choices. It takes quite a bit of self-honesty that isn’t exactly flattering. But once the benefits are established, it’s easy (from a coaching perspective, that is) to help people who in the past haven’t wanted to change.

But getting people who don’t want to change into a coaching environment is a WHOLE different story… I’d love to hear your ideas on THAT one!