The Psychology of Losing Weight

Recently I was interviewed by Jill Koenig, the Goal Guru, for a new audio program she is putting together on health and weight loss. I don’t frequently talk about health and losing weight, because it isn’t really top of mind in my life.

Why? Because although I used to be 50 pounds overweight, I have lost that weight and kept it off for over 10 years. Honestly, I really don’t think about my weight at all anymore. And here’s my dirty little secret: I really don’t even exercise regularly (but don’t get me wrong, I am now a very active person and I hate to sit still).
At one point in my life, this would have seemed absolutely impossible. In fact, my relationship with food was so unhealthy that I felt that if I were to eat all that I really wanted, there wouldn’t be enough food on this planet for me to consume.

So how did I get here?

1. I learned to listen to myself
2. I found out what needs I was meeting my eating too much
3. I broke out of old patterns of behavior
4. I found new ways to meet those needs
5. I made peace with my body
6. My body made peace with me

This post will kick off a series covering the mind processes I went through to overcome all of my eating and weight issues for good. Yes, permanently.

If you want to lose weight permanently too, I would like to invite you to begin a shift in thinking about what it means to have a healthy body at your ideal weight. The weight is not the problem, the weight is a symptom of a problem.

So a diet, done correctly, still only manages the symptoms of being overweight. Until you explore and release the cause, the problem will reappear in your life over and over again.
Here are the first questions I will throw your way:

1. What benefits are you receiving from eating too much?
2. What benefits are you receiving from not exercising?
3. What benefits are you receiving from focusing on your weight instead of the inner pain that you are avoiding?

Now you may be wondering, “Benefits? Wendy, what are you talking about?!”

Everything we do, we do for a reason. So some potential answers could be:

1. I get to feel safe by stuffing my real emotions with food
2. I get to isolate myself with this bahavior and protect myself from getting hurt by others
3. I get to keep my mind occupied on my weight, while avoiding the real issues like my low self-worth, or feeling unlovable

If you came to me as a coach, or even as a friend, with a real desire to lose weight, I would go easy on you. I would be compassionate. You have probably beat yourself up on this subject for years, if not decades. I’m here to tell you that there is a real reason that the weight is there, and it’s actually serving a purpose.

The point is, once we uncover that purpose, we can then work on it, rather than on the weight. And just like with any issue in life, once the cause is gone, the symptom cannot exist.

Next time, we’ll talk about listening to ourselves. Until then, read Craig Harper’s take on the Psychology of Weight-Loss. Craig’s insights are super-valuable and he really practices what he preaches.

The Dreams Dilemma of the Parent and Spouse

I have a little personal dream to share with you. I want to be a motivational speaker. My dream can be both a blessing and a curse, actually; something which became much clearer to me last night as I was chatting with a group of close friends.

I was discussing my tendency to over-commit myself and keep myself super-busy. In the past, I wondered if I did this because I had lingering worries about “not being enough”. But as we chatted I realized it’s not that at all - it’s because my dreams are SO BIG.

They are HUGE, in fact. To dream of being in the same league as Tony Robbins, Oprah, Jack Canfield and Marianne Williamson is so big, in fact, that even I wonder if I will ever get there. But the dream is there, nonetheless, and I have spent 20 years of my life getting rid of my self-imposed limits to pursue my dreams. It would be easier if my dreams were a bit smaller, because then they wouldn’t be so intimidating.

But what kind of motivator would I be for you if I said, “No, dream smaller, so that you can be safer, more comfortable, and your dreams will be easy to attain”? So even though my dreams scare even me at times, they are MY dreams, and I WILL pursue them.

The whole point of dreams is that they are Big - and my life is crazy busy because there is SO much to do to pursue this dream of mine.

So why do I want to do this? Besides all of the reasons I have talked about before, I have one more big reason.

Because I know too many people who AREN’T pursuing their own dreams.

They are moms who have put their dreams away to raise their children.

They are fathers who have postponed their dreams to provide for their families.

They are wives who have dimmed their inner light so as to not intimidate their husbands.

They are husbands who want to grow but don’t want to leave their wives behind.

EVERY DAY I encounter people with this dream dilemma. They have let go of their dreams in order to keep up with life. I used to be the same way. My dreams may be big, but if I don’t go for them, I will live the rest of my life in regret. I refuse to do that.

Another reason I started this blog is to bring you with me. I’m pursuing my dreams. My really, really big dreams that I may or may not make happen. It will get messy along the way. I may flounder. I will fail at times.

And I will also succeed at times. And I will also inspire. And no matter what, I will not regret how I have lived my life. I started this blog so that you, too, can find a little of yourself in me. I doubt myself sometimes. I wonder if I am getting anywhere sometimes. And I also get some big wins along the way. And maybe someday I will achieve this dream of mine to positively impact the lives of millions.
Will you choose to listen to your heart and live the life you were born to live?

What are your dreams?
Will you pursue them with me?

There are No Secrets to Success

I used to think that the people who were doing better than me in life knew something I didn’t.I used to think that if I could just get my hands on that last little elusive bit of truth, then everything would finally fall into place.

I used to wonder what I was missing that was keeping me from the life I want.

The answer I found wasn’t sexy, glamorous, nor was it really what I wanted to hear. And if you had told me that “There are No Secrets to Success” even 6 months ago, I would have looked at you crosseyed. And the first time I came across the ‘answer’ I didn’t even recognize it - I think I had to read it 4 or 5 times before I finally saw it and understood.

“Before you go out seeking new truths, put into action the truths you already know”

When that statement finally sunk in, I realized that there was a LOT that I knew about personal growth, the law of attraction and relationships that I WASN’T applying in my life. Yet I was still seeking new knowledge - hunting for that elusive Ah-Ha moment that would make everything right.

It took what felt like a big shift in thinking to apply what I already knew vs. looking for what I didn’t know. It meant looking within for my answers instead of self help books and programs (though I will admit I did still work with my coach - only because he always asked such amazing questions.) Since I am addicted to learning, I really didn’t like turning away from my regular resources for growth. But I found that if I was to grow any further, I needed to start looking into the mirror for my answers.

So here’s my take on what the “Secret to Success” really is:

There is no big answer ‘out there’ that will be the key to what you are looking for. The lessons that mean the most are the ones you get from doing what you know you need to do - even in the face of fear, resistance, and self-imposed limits.

Look within. Follow your heart. Trust in your own higher self.

The Biggest Obstacle to Self Improvement

Secondary Gain. At least that’s the “technical” term (well, as technical as it gets, that is!!)

What is Secondary Gain? It’s a short phrase that explains that we do everything we do for a reason - and that the reason behind what we are doing is actually a “good cause”.

And before you even ask, yes, I am speaking specifically about things that we wish we didn’t do!

A drug addict doesn’t use drugs to escape this world. A drug user uses drugs to enter into a world in which she feels good, that she feels important, and one that feels safe and secure.

We push away money not because we don’t want wealth, but because we fear how wealth might change our personal relationships, or because we fear that if we become wealthy we would lose our motivation to do anything in life.

We feel guilty not because we are horrible people, but because it is the status quo, because it enables us to connect with others, and we fear that if we didn’t have guilt, we would never get anything off of our procrastination lists.

I watched a conversation thread in one of my email groups today about good and bad emotions, and what “good” and “bad” means specifically. In fact, emotions are there to serve us no matter what they are. They are our Action Signals - that we are meeting our needs in either empowering or disempowering ways. Negative emotions are just an Action Signal that we need to find a way to meet our needs in more empowering ways.

When I needed transformation, if my coach came at me with “this is what we have to eliminate”, part of me would have resisted the process. It’s because I have done everything for a reason. You can’t remove a disempowering belief, change a negative emotion, or break out of a limiting pattern unless you find the benefits you are receiving from the actions in the first place.

For example, the benefits I got out of having a fear of failure were that I didn’t have to try, I didn’t need to risk rejection, and I got to hold onto a feeling of security.

The need I met by holding onto this fear was one of certainty and comfort. Once I found a healthier and more empowering way to feel certain, I didn’t need the old ways of feeling certain any longer - ones that in the long run would have destroyed my spirit.

Sometimes it’s rather hard to uncover the hidden benefits of our disempowering choices. It takes quite a bit of self-honesty that isn’t exactly flattering. But once the benefits are established, it’s easy (from a coaching perspective, that is) to help people who in the past haven’t wanted to change.

But getting people who don’t want to change into a coaching environment is a WHOLE different story… I’d love to hear your ideas on THAT one!

Influence Massive Change with NLP

When I first mentioned NLP to my readers on my work at home parents blog, I got a lot of virtual blank stares. Not a lot of people knew what it was nor knew what the heck I was talking about. I received a few private emails from people asking for more info, so I answered them on the blog so that everyone could benefit from the answer.

So What is NLP? It has the power to completely change who you are for the better. It is a powerful tool of influence :: both over yourself and with others. It works with both the conscious and unconscious minds to make change both gentle and permanent - as long as you want to keep the changes you make.

I was the recipient of an NLP intervention in 2004. Life immediately and drastically improved from that day forward. And life continues to get better every day.

Read more about NLP in my original post.